Putin's Bodyguards Collect His Excrement On Trips Abroad To Hide Possible Health Problems: Report
www.ndtv.com
The Russian President's health has always in focus across the world, and since the Ukraine invasion started, rumours have been making rounds that he is seriously ill.

I can see why North Korea, Russia etc collect their leaders’ excrement, but now I’m wondering how they carry this out.

Do they bring a nice, gilded port-a-potty and put it in the Presidential Suite bathroom, then block off the actual loo? Does this policy extend to family members and spouses? If not, how do they make sure everyone uses the right loo, and what happens if the leader forgets and uses the hotel toilet by accident?

Do they tell the dude not to flush (or disable the flushing mechanism), then when the leader is done with their business, a government official gloves up and retrieves the poo manually? What if the leader had a terrible case of the runs and it’s not solid enough to be picked up? Is there a Skunk Works-designed poo vacuum?

Do they just have an entire Royal Shitting Chamber they transport wherever the leader goes, and then install that chamber in every room the leader goes to? If the leader is on a world tour, do they have multiple chambers that they send on to each hotel in advance (“#1 is already in Germany, once the President leaves we’re going to disinfect #2 and send it on to Norway”)?

Or do they simply obfuscate the leader’s poo? Everytime he’s done taking a dump, he lets security know, and then someone else comes along and takes a dump into the same toilet and uses a stick to swirl the contents around before flushing? What if nobody in the whole security team needs to take a dump at that moment? Or do they keep a team of shitters on standby, all holding it in and ready to poo at a moment’s notice?

Oh, what about storage and logistics? If the country thinks the leader’s poo is important enough to be taken home, then surely there must be an armed guard? Is there a Presidential Excrement Escort team, and a Presidential Excrement Emergency Response and Counter-Assault team in case the poo gets hijacked? Does the team bring the poo back to the home country in regular intervals on a separate Poo Force One jet, or is it all stored in a special vault somewhere for the whole trip? Or do they just dump the poo in the ocean somewhere in secret?