Bryan Johnson, 45, is shocking his, uhm, Johnson in hopes of never dying? Did I get that right?


Bryan Johnson, the 45-year-old man whose pursuit of eternal youth has driven him to swap blood with his 17-year-old son, is directing his attention below the belt. His belt, to be specific. Tomorrow he will start getting Alprostadil injected into his penis as a part of his “penis rejuvenation” journey. That’s right: Johnson is trying to rejuvenate his Johnson. Godspeed, I suppose.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Alprostadil is used to treat erectile dysfunction, Johnson says he’s using it to increase “ejaculation vol[ume]” and “max urination speed” as well. I’m sorry to have to inform you that this man is also getting his “penis plaque” checked, which is apparently scar tissue or something that could slow down the speed of things coming out of his dick. I suppose it makes sense that a man so occupied with the passage of time is concerned with urinating as quickly as possible. He’s got to get back to taking 61 pills a day and eating 70 pounds of vegetables a month. Looking that spooky is a full-time job!

Johnson shared his goal on Instagram to increase the length and hardness of his nighttime erections from 2 hours and 12 minutes to 3 hours and 30 minutes, the latter of which is the average noctural erection time of an 18-year-old. Also, for full transparency, I’m just taking Johnson’s word for that. I don’t quite have it in me to Google “18-year-old nocturnal erections” on my work (or personal) laptop.

Johnson’s penile rejuvenation therapy also involves sending shockwaves into his genitals. Medical professionals explained to Rolling Stone that these electro shockwaves “rejuvenate” the penis, similar to how weightlifting causes small tears in bodily tissue that then cause the body to regenerate new tissue.

Is this more information than you want to know about a man who looks like the spiritual lovechild of the Morpheus and Legolas? I apologize. It’s more than I want to know, too. But unfortunately I am sadistically fascinated with this rich man who’s desperately trying to avoid the natural aging process by injecting himself with supplements and literally shocking his penis.

I suppose it makes sense that Johnson has refocused his youthful obsession onto his own genitals, as that seems to be at the center of a lot of men’s passions.


  • no banana@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    I love how there’s a dude out there hoping to improve his urination speed of all things. Where in the fuck is he in such a hurry to get to that he can’t take a piss break? Just sit down and have a piss, mate, it’s worth taking the time to relax a little.

    • roguetrick@kbin.social
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      1 year ago

      Oh there are many many men out to improve their urination speed. The problem’s just not the penis. Prostate swelling will make you stand at the urinal forever while it just dribbles out. It’s a pretty standard old man problem.

      • no banana@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        Oh, I totally get that. Prostate swelling is not fun. The way this article is worded though, makes it seem a bit like he’s just doing it to save some time in his day-to-day high intensity workflow. I found that incredibly hilarious.

      • Potatos_are_not_friends@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        I did not know that.

        Flex opportunity.

        Time to take advantage of this and blast my piss like a high end super soaker at all the old rich folks at the golf course.

        • Rayspekt@kbin.social
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          1 year ago

          You’d be able to rob banks just with your shlong.

          “Put your hands where I can see them! This weapon is loaded! I’ve drank 4 l of apple juice this morning!”

          • no banana@lemmy.world
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            1 year ago

            You wouldn’t even need to reveal yourself. Just get as close to the vault as possible and piss yourself right in.

  • diprount_tomato@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Seriously, this “millionaires using the blood of children to rejuvenate” sounds so evil and even demonic that it used to be a conspiracy theory.

    Guess that “the only difference between a conspiracy theory and a fact is time” was right after all

  • Taco2112@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    WTF, this dude is only 45? I understand wanting to have a healthy body as you age but there are cheaper and easier ways to achieve that. Seems like a waste time, money, and energy being that afraid of death.

    • lyam23@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      He thinks he’s discovered a shortcut. Also, if it were to work, what are the implications of putting your old blood into the body of your 17 year old son? Creepy. If he’s so concerned, he should focus on diet, exercise, skin care, stress management, metabolic health management, and sleep. Creepy sociopath.

      • Iusedtobeanadventurer@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        My first thought was, if you’re benefitting from your son’s blood, he’s paying some sort of consequence. I’m sure there’s some rationalizing happening like “his organs are young and will better flush the toxins” or some bullshit but I feel like something like Newton’s laws of motion would apply here. If you’re getting a benefit is it likely the kid is getting the opposite?

        I wouldt risk it with my kids. Sounds sociopathic.

      • Tangent5280@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        I thought swapping meant just taking blood, not putting his blood into his son. Why bother? The kids a healthy 18 year old, just let his body naturally regenerate the blood.

    • BoobiesUnite@kbin.social
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      1 year ago

      Yeah this guy sounds crazy! If he is having problems with all this stuff now i dont want to be around him when he gets actually old! To me he sounds like a complete narcissist and that means he is gonna have one hell of a narcissistic collapse when hes actually old. I feel bad for his family.

  • Steeve@lemmy.ca
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    1 year ago

    You know what, weird goals, but fuck it. Dude is experimenting on himself and isn’t hurting anyone right? Honestly a much better pursuit than swapping blood with your fuckin 17 year old. Best case scenario we get some interesting medical data out of it, maybe he’s onto something and he’s accidentally funding medical research that helps out older folks with urination issues.

    God [pissing] speed brother.

    • Tangent5280@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      I’d be so upset if this dude is the one that unlocks immortality, instead of some benevolent research group in a post-scarcity society.

      • Steeve@lemmy.ca
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        1 year ago

        Well on the plus side I don’t think he’ll actually be achieving immortality with dick injections, and if he does then at least we know we live in a simulation and “god” is fucking with us lmao

  • dingleberry@discuss.tchncs.de
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    1 year ago

    This techbro is too dumb for me to read the whole article. Just tell me if he is grafting his son’s penis on his own now.

  • dangblingus@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    He can afford all these blood transfusions but he can’t afford a wig that looks like it was made from human hair?

  • Kite@sh.itjust.works
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    1 year ago

    This guy looks like the dollar store version of Tom Hiddleston’s Loki. He needs to take all that money he’s spending on the search for immortality and invest it into a therapist whose concentration is body dysmorphia.

  • ngwoo@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    It’s funny because all this effort and eventually his cock will stop working right anyway. And then later he’ll die. Sorry bud, if this was a solvable problem people richer than you already would have solved it.

  • Clbull@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    I’ve heard about this guy from a Diary of a CEO podcast.

    If he’s cracked the secret to immortality with how he’s changed his lifestyle then fair play to him but I also think this could be pseudoscience bullshit. He looks ridiculously young for his age.

    • lyam23@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      I think there’s some research done on benefits of blood transfusion from young mice to older mice but no human trials as far as I’m aware. It’s likely bs. That said, I look younger than he does and I’m 48. Partly genetics, partly luck, partly making an effort to eat right and exercise.