I’m so tired. Why bother struggling to find insurance that lets me continue with my therapist. Why bother finding insurance at all. Why bother look for a job. Why put so much effort into a life I’m so tired of living? I know things won’t improve. That they can’t improve, really. Sometimes it might feel like things are better, but circumstances haven’t changed, it’s just the drugs making it not feel like it matters. I’ve given up on all these things that other people take for granted, and yet it still hurts to think about how I’ll never get there. I’m so tired of it, and I don’t see any way it ever changes. I just don’t want to continue on. Why do people have to care about me? If they didn’t, then I could just leave and not hurt them. Why isn’t acceptable for me to just say “actually, nah, life isn’t for me, see you never” and fucking die?
I’m pretty sure suicide’s inevitable. At some point, I’m just not going to care enough about the guilt and go through with it, it’s more just a matter of when that’ll be. Makes me sad my online friends won’t know for sure, but they’ll probably guess after a few weeks of being offline. At least I don’t have to worry about leaving work on short notice.
Man you’ll die for sure and once you do you’ll never feel bad but doing it yourself it’s stupid you know you’ve already suffered so much just take it longer you got some online friends right? Joke around with them until the actual time comes when you won’t be given the choice to see the next moment maybe you’ll say to yourself damn that was rough! Or something cool like that suicide is very stupid when you’ve already suffered beyond bearing beared it bear it more I’m doing the same both of us it’s just some years you know the planet will go on for another billions of years trillions and trillions of people will come and go we just one of them why is seeing it till the end so bad when we have seen It to this point it’ll never come back the same way ever do justice to your soul the kid that used to be so happy and smiled so bright over little things doesn’t deserve his life to be taken it’s his we just came in with negativity I’m sprouting nonsense but just trying to tell you that… you know something something that’s funny and and makes you smile once in a while it’s enough keep going.