It’s interesting how stories can be so similar. My partner and I are also together over a decade in which I gradually shut down exploring my gender and forced myself into the man role, down to a point where I had to really turn things around to heal. I think it’s quite motivating to have this outlook for a life worth living for. Lately I feel so settled in with my gender identity, that I am actually not depressed when I wake up anymore. Also, I’m less and less anxious about coming out step by step which feels very healthy. 💜

I have a song in my playlist since 10+ years, which is about being true to yourself. It didn’t come up on random for long. And I cried happy tears when I heard it again recently. Cause I finally understand what being true to myself means. 😌

This is what I’m talking about

https://blahaj.zone/@lexihexi

there is lemmy as a better Reddit but also a whole mix of other servers that offer a better Twitter in the fediverse.

Being here helped me greatly with finding myself. Feel free to follow me, if you create an account. 🥰

I hear you on the lack of self-care. I think in my case, it was less about it seeming girly, and more a combination of always being tired and not being the slightest bit invested in my appearance. My meat suit definitely needs a lot of maintenance now to make up for it, lol.

About the clothing - I’m starting from the same place, and it’s definitely overwhelming, but I got some great advice from a trans friend of mine. They basically told me to put my concern for the environment to the side for a minute and use fast fashion as a way to explore what’s out there and what you like. The site they suggested was Shein - there might be others, I have no idea, but that’s the one I’ve used to great effect. The clothes are absurdly cheap and there’s a ton of interesting stuff to choose from. They’ll probably fall apart before long, but not before you’ve had a chance to learn something from them to inform a better long-term purchase. The main challenge is finding stuff that will actually fit, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the stretchiness of the fabrics (and you might not have the same issues, depending on your frame). Since it’s online, you don’t need to deal with venturing into the world to search for/try on stuff either, which suits me well.

I actually turned it into a bit of an exercise in the beginning, since I was still (and still am) emerging from my repression and didn’t know what or how to feel about things. I split my shopping up into two sessions on separate days. On the first day, I just let myself browse and deliberately avoided thinking about practicality or feasibility, or what might be considered “appropriate”. Instead I just allowed myself to be driven by pure whimsy and curiosity; responding to whatever looked particularly interesting, or cute, or whatever. Anything that stood out in any way whatsoever would be left open in a tab. Then the next day was spent taking measurements and sifting through those tabs to pull out the ones that I might actually be able to squeeze into, with the goal of having one or two garments from each of an assortment of major categories. That way, you maximize your potential for experimentation - to see what you will or will not end up responding to when you wear it - and your chances that stuff will actually fit.

I may have been overthinking things, because I ended up loving pretty much everything instantly. 😅 But I’m glad I did that first session separately, because the sizing phase was brutal… 😭 If I’d tried to do all that from the start, it would likely have frightened me off for another round of procrastination. Even though I couldn’t wear everything I liked, though, the browsing phase was still very valuable, if only to allow myself to feel things about clothes. I’m pretty sure that was the first time I ever had fun looking for (non-costume) clothing.

Anyway, after that first batch, the pursuit of clothing became purely organic and intrinsically motivated - having some idea of what I liked and what would fit naturally turned into curiosity about new, different items, or into wanting more variety or better quality for others, so I’ve been spiraling outwards from there and having fun doing it. It can be pricey if you go overboard, of course, but sales help. And I justify it as being for medicinal purposes. 😁 At this point, I’m only wearing my old clothes when I need to turn on my webcam or leave my apartment.

Well, looks like I ended up rambling for far too long again. Hopefully some of that was helpful or encouraging. ❤️

EDIT: oh yeah, forgot to mention - I listened to that whole album. I liked it! Very pleasant melodies and vocals. I’m terrible at parsing lyrics on the first try, though, so it didn’t end up causing any affirmation. 😅 I think those other songs hit me hard because I’ve been listening to them for years and already knew the words; they had just never hit home with that perspective before.

EDIT2: oh yeah, another pointer that might be helpful. Try not to worry about how you’ll look in the clothes. I definitely look absurd. The important thing is how you’ll end up feeling while wearing them. Although, I grant you, this might be a tougher balance to strike when there are others in your home to observe you and potentially make you self-conscious by their very existence.