Found a decision. We talked about it and apparently I’m a narcissist who causes conflict to arise just so I can shame her. I love her, but I don’t think she’s the one for me.
We’ve been together for half a year and, mostly due to circumstances, things are moving fast. We both have PTSD from a variety of events, including abusive families, past romantic and sexual relationships, and sexual violence. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. She’s been staying with me to avoid her abusive family. I don’t mind, because I love her. However, there has been a lot of conflict lately.
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Inevitably, we trigger each other because we do not have a comprehensive list of all our triggers. When triggering her, my response has been attempts to make such a comprehensive list and keep these triggers in mind whatever we are doing, whether we are picking a film to watch or having conversations with others that veer into triggering territory. However, she hates this. She fears that I’m making a list of triggers just to use it against her. She also takes a while to recognise when she’s triggered, meaning I often bear the brunt of her defensive behaviour. As well as this, she doesn’t view my triggers as equally intense. Unless I’m shaking, crying, withdrawing, or having nightmares, my triggers are quirks to tease me about. It’s hard not to resent her when she does this.
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She is not used to self-care. Unless we fight about it, her clothes go on the ground, used dishes stay in our bedroom, bedsheets go unwashed, and she’ll often only eat what’s available, even when it’s long gone off. I am expected to clean up and provide food and I often do, but it’s becoming a common cause of burnout for me. Although we both work, she says she does more physical labour as I am an office worker, so while I work twice as many hours, I should still have more energy to do chores.
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She doesn’t recognise that I’m physically unwell. Because of my long hours and stress, my body is not doing too great and I can’t make time to see a doctor. However, she still treats me like I’m physically well and when that causes me harm, acts surprised and tries to make amends, but never really acknowledges the state of my body. It’s a tiring cycle and when I’m unresponsive to her attempts to make amends, she switches up and blames me for being careless enough to get hurt in the first place.
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She is not a fan of the “zombie effect” I experience when medicated for ADHD. Neither am I, but I need the medication to be able to manage myself and my responsibilities. However, she takes this up with me as though my focus and lack of excitement is a personal offence towards her and when I’m not amused by all of the points above, she believes that my sensitivity comes from a desire to hurt her, not from a place of genuine emotion. This makes conversations about everything harder, as it often becomes a debate about whether I’m genuinely emoting or just manipulating her into a state of guolt.
She says she loves me and that she will do what it takes to be with me. We have since agreed that she needs a lot of help. However, the points above are becoming a predictable pattern and I don’t know if it’s reasonable for me to simply take the damage she does to me up until the point she gets help and makes a lot of progress on her journey of recovery or if I should save myself the stress and leave her.
Honestly, you’re too young to be burning yourself up on someone who, by your own words, doesn’t think your feelings matter. Expecting you to walk on eggshells for her feelings while while teasing you about yours is manipulation, and that’s just red flag one. You’re bullet list isn’t conflicts, it’s abuse and manipulation.
I’ve been right where you’re at man. It DOES get better, it just probably not with her. She is not your responsibility. YOU are your responsibility right now. You’re 23, your life is just getting started. Make a fresh start and give yourself some time to work on yourself and heal. It’s advice I wish someone would have given me.
You’re setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. You both agree she needs help, which is great, but she’s doing nothing beyond that, which is not great. On top of that, I’m seeing a lot of manipulation. She accuses you of trying to manipulate her into feeling guilty, which is literally what she is doing to you. This is not a healthy relationship; a good partnership will build both parties up. She needs to work on herself, alone, before you continue any sort of relationship with her. You need an exit strategy before she affects your health any further.
Yea, you don’t need to be in that relationship. Come up with an exit strategy and do it. If you don’t it’s only going to get worse.
Maybe she’ll improve, maybe she won’t, but if she isn’t showing signs of improvement or making clear steps towards it then it’s a risky gamble to bet that she will.
From what you write it seems she’s toxic and immature. I don’t think she’s able to change what she can’t see is wrong. I think you need to leave her and you could both benefit from it - you won’t be in a toxic relationship and she will get a real impulse to think about her behaviour that could lead her to the right path.
Have you shared your concerns with her?
Here we go, a reasonable first take. Breaking up immediately no questions asked seems a bit hasty. We are adults, we discuss our problems.
Yep. Doesn’t go well. As of last night, probably the worst attempt yet.
Found a decision. We talked about it and apparently I’m a narcissist who causes conflict to arise just so I can shame her. I love her, but I don’t think she’s the one for me.
You could ask if she wants to try counseling. If she isn’t going to match the effort that you’re putting into the relationship, you’re better off moving on because she may not even recognize that she’s being abusive.
Absolutely do not sacrifice your health for someone that does not treat you like an equal partner.
Echoing what others have said, she’s an adult, and she is not your responsibility. Move on. You’ll know you’ve found a good match when you take good care of each other and approach life as a team: celebrate your successes and support one another through tough times.
With respect, you need to get out of the same living arrangement.
She needs to learn self-reliance, and sort out her mental health. You’re calling it “lack of self-care”, but that’s sugar-coating laziness. I’d argue that, mental health reasons or not, she’s leaving dishes out and failing to clean because she knows you are there to pick up the slack. She has a job, she needs to get her own place.
If she wants to be a romantic partner without you taking care of her every need, then maybe you have a future. I suspect, however, that once she can no longer use you, the romance will end too.
She has attachment issues, you’re both not communicating what needs to be exchanged. And there’s no trust in you. You need to make some radical changes. Either break up or finally put in the effort and change things around. No matter if it’s hard work. There are professionals, couples counseling available. There are also books and other resources out there. The first step is usually ‘fixing’ communication. Getting to know wants and needs and saying them out aloud to the partner. You could tell her what exactly is bothering you, how it makes you feel and she needs to commit to working on it out of respect for you. Make sure you also do it in reverse. Tackle one problem at a time and mind you’re both humans and there will be setbacks. Don’t pressure yourselves. It has to happen out of love and not because of an ultimatum. Understand your relationship dynamics (you seem to be doing this) and have patience. And be realistic. I can’t tell you if you’re able to work well as partners. Sometimes people aren’t made for each other. Maybe you can ask a friend for an outside perspective on you as a couple. And ask yourselves where you want to be in 3 years.
Shit, I am sorry my dude, this does sound like an unhealthy dynamic. While not as severe, I have been in situations like yours, and while I was able to cognitively handle what was being thrown at me, I didn’t realize the emotional, and subconscious trauma.
Slowly overtime your brain is adapting to this environment. All that criticism from her is going to stick with you.
I wish you the best man, I know these situations aren’t easy to leave.
