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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-03 05:01:19.

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA-ornerychamp

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (26F) am pregnant after a fertility struggle/being told I may never get pregnant. My husband (42M) just admitted to having an affair & getting someone else pregnant. Not sure what to do.

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, fertility issues, abortion, betrayal

 

Original Post - October 11, 2023

My husband & I got married 3 years ago. When I was a teenager I was told that due to medical complications I may never be able to have children but after two years of trying and fertility treatments I’m now halfway through my pregnancy with our miracle baby.

Unfortunately because of some complications I had to cut back on my hours at work (it’s very physical). My husband offered to pick up more hours to compensate, so he has been working a lot more in the past 2 months and coming home later.

I couldn’t see that anything was amiss. Things were the same as they’ve always been. He always brings home flowers, food, things for the baby, coffee, he’s always sending me thoughtful and loving texts through the day. The gaps where he was unreachable were explainable.

But this morning he sat me down and gave me news that rocked me. He told me he’s been having an affair for the past six weeks and that his affair partner just found out that she’s pregnant.

He says that if she decides to keep the baby she’s going to raise it by herself and that they mutually agreed to end the relationship already. He wants to make things right.

I don’t know how things can ever be right again. He just wants to move on from what he is calling his “transgression”.

How do I ever forgive him? How do you deal with the unthinkable? How do I learn to live with the idea that my child’s sibling might be out there somewhere someday? Most importantly, how do I learn to move on like he wants me to?

Edit: I have an OB appointment for unrelated medical reasons tomorrow at which I will make sure to request extensive testing. I have plans to meet with a lawyer on Monday. I’m talking to my sister to see if I can stay with her; my relationships with much of my family are fractious but I have a pretty positive relationship with her.

I will not be seeking “other options” other than having my baby due to being pretty far along and having been told in the past I would not conceive. Regardless of what my husband has done I love my child.

Edit2: I saw my OB on Friday and will hopefully have some test results (fingers crossed for all negative!) within the next few days. I will meet the lawyer tomorrow and go from there. My sister advised me to stay in the house that my husband and I co own until I talk to a lawyer.

This has been such an emotionally harrowing time for me. He’s acting like everything is normal. All i want to do is sleep. I keep telling myself it’ll be over soon.

Relevant Comments

**lilpandatoys:* I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be okay having a baby with a man who just abandoned one.*

OP: I keep coming back to this. It sounds like she’s on the fence about the pregnancy (which is ultimately 100% her choice!), but the ease with which he’s willing to take the stance of just forgetting the whole thing happened is hard for me.

I’m more than halfway through my pregnancy—23 weeks—so I’m in a different position.

**LovinInfo:* Was thinking the exact thing! I’m not getting that he has any fear of losing you! Why?? Either he thinks you’re easy to control? Or not that bright? Or desperate to stay his wife? Which is it? Why isn’t he begging you to stay with him? Why does he feel you’ll just go along with forgetting that he’s cheated on you?*

OP: I think he knows that my initial reaction was going to be that yes, we could fix this or that I would agree to make things right. I think that he knows that I have so much invested (emotionally) in this relationship. He is my first real love, my first well everything really, and that I’m more likely to fight for what we have than to give it up.

Even i’m surprised at how conflicted I feel.

 

Update - October 27, 2023

Where to begin?

First off, the OW decided to terminate her pregnancy, which was confirmed to me by her. Talking to her was really weird and didn’t answer a lot questions that I had for her. This is a person who knows me and has met me a number of times and I just don’t get it. The motivations on both sides don’t make any sense to me, and I don’t know if they ever will. It helped to learn there was no romantic feelings but it was still confusing; especially since i perceive my husband and I to have a healthy sex life (as often as 4-6 times per week) and I don’t really get what’s fun or exciting about leaving the boundaries of your marriage.

We are in therapy, separately and together. Going separately is helping me to sort out a lot of my own feelings, but I think that going together is essential one way or another as well.

He has been cooperative and participatory in therapy. I’m hopeful that we can figure at least some things out. We’ve had a lot of conversations about why it won’t be easy for me to just forgive this and why I need answers and changes in behavior and I do feel like I’ve been heard.

Divorce is not completely off the table, but it’s a hard situation to be in, especially in a vulnerable state like being pregnant. I’ve consulted with a lawyer and made my parameters clear to him, but for right now i want to try to work things out.

I know this isn’t the update that a lot of people probably hoped for, but for me I think this is the right choice.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, advice, and perspective. I definitely took a lot of things to heart and will remember them for a long time! It’s very appreciated.

Edit: I want to make it clear since people seem confused—divorce is not off the table. What is off the table right now is trying to make a decision that will affect my life greatly when I’m already in an extremely vulnerable physical/mental position without making an attempt at healing both on my own and with him. Even if we end up divorced in the end, allowing myself time means that things have a higher chance of being amiable and easier for all of us—especially our child.

 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.