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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-04 05:00:19.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/QuackedGirlieAnon
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA for giving my boyfriend the ultimatum to spend more time with me than his family?
Trigger Warnings: Child neglect, child abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, manipulation, relationship neglect
Original Post - October 20, 2023
I’m probably going crazy, but I need to get this off my chest and some opinions that arn’t close to us.
My BF(24M) and I(22F) have been together since highschool, we met when I was 15 and he was 17, we hit it off massively and have always been each others best friend. He had a strained relationship with his family, divorced mom and dad. Dad had a family with a new woman, mom was single and focused on him. When he was around 19, his Mom remarried and the new guy had two daughters he brought into the relationship. My BF has TAKEN to his step sisters and is an all around amazing older brother. That’s where the biggest issue takes place.
(Bf - Boyfriend, BM - Boyfriend’s Mom, BD - Boyfriends Dad, SD - Boyfriend’s Step Dad, OSS - Oldest step sister, YSS, Youngest Step Sister.)
The girls were around 13 and 10 when they came into the picture, and BF would be there for them through ANYTHING. It quickly went from us having two date-nights a week, to one date night and one ‘group babysitting session.’ I was fine with it for the first year, but after I graduated highschool - and started going to community college, I wanted more, y’know, private time. BF still lived at home though, and I lived with my parents. If he came over to my place - we’d beable to get private time and space. My parents are cool with it, but the issue is, he never wanted to leave his sisters alone. SD and BM would constantly skip town or go on trips or go visit friends and BF would always offer to babysit. He said he was always wanting siblings who loved him, and now he does kinda deal.
Well, this has been going on for years. I had asked BF if we could go on a trip for our SEVEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY. Bec I’m just NEEDING to spend time with him. Originally our plan was for him and I to take a week-long disney trip paid for by my parents, amazing - right?
He hits me with, three weeks before we’re supposed to leave, a “My SD is saying the girls gotta go with us if I’m going to go.”
ME: “What? That’s crazy, he’s not paying for it and neither are you. He can’t withhold you from going.”
Him: “He’s having a hard time and says if I go for a week he’s going to relocate my stuff from the house, Mom’s agreeing with him.”
Me: “well fine, you can come live with us. (Me and my parents, my parents love him.)”
Him: “I don’t really think that’s fair to my sisters and mom. Can I pay for them to go with us?”
Me: “No.” I didn’t say anything else.
He got pissed at me, and I explained, straight up, that I’m sick of his sisters always being IN our life. I understand he’s excited to have loving siblings, and that he loves them very much. But he isn’t their parent. He isn’t in charge of them, and the fact that his mom instantly was ok with parentifying him from the get-go and shoving the girls off on him was a huge nasty red-flag.
He left, pissed asf with me. Apparently told the girls, OSS whose like 17-18 is blowing up my phone talking about how I’m trying to isolate him from his family and I need to learn to fuck off when it comes to them??? That I can’t CONTROL how much time he spends with his family and that I shouldn’t tell them they can’t go if they can afford it??? YSS sent me a text about how she’s sorry that she did anything to make me hate them??
I DID NOT SAY I HATE THEM. My boyfriend is acting like my issue wis with THEM. When my issue is with us not having a GOOD private life together.
I told both of them, copy pasting the message from one sister to the other,
“I have no ill-feelings with either of you, I just wish I could spend private time with my boyfriend, who is also your brother that you live with, without you two always being there. I would love to plan a vacation with all of us at some point, but this was a vacation that was for me and your brother.” Neither have responded to me.
I sent a text to my boyfriend after it all saying, “Hey. I just need you to know that I don’t hate your sisters, I love them. But I need us time and I can’t continue this relationship if you can’t learn how to prioritize me as much as you prioritize them.” He hasn’t responded.
Their SD called my dad and basically told him off for being picky with how he chooses to spend his money? My dad didn’t like that one at all, they were buds in the past but a few years ago SD insulted my dad in some way and Dad hasn’t wanted to talk to him since then. Dad told him to go “fuck himself and BF better beg to be allowed to step foot in my house after this.” kinda deal, so Dad’s blaming BF. I’m trying to handle that.
Nobody is responding to me, and I’m just losing my shit.
I contacted our mutual friends, adding a few to a group chat, told them whats up, one told me that the girls were abused by their mom? and their dad is a piece of shit so my BF is the only person they have to rely on in that family. But at the same time, I feel like that’s partly just fucking excuses. They said that I’m being too harsh on him, and that I can’t ‘spring this on him’ years after it became a issue? The others in the group chat either were big on I’m being too harsh on him, or really really against me saying the girls are sweet and I can’t expect to punish them for me wanting more attention??? Nobody seems to understand, and I’m just, I’m losing my mind. Am I wrong?? Am I the asshole??
AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the top comments, OOP was NTA
Update - October 22, 2023
Stuff happened. I’m not going to try to include a timeline because everything has been very confusing and I stayed up till 4am past couple of nights and just… time is an illusion,
Anyhow. BF finally contacted me. Came to my house, not texted or called. Begged my father for forgiveness for HIS step father’s actions. He started crying, my Dad hugged him and brought him inside. I was pissed, I started screaming at him. My dad told me to let him speak.
My Bf basically admitted that his step-dad was a piece of shit, and that he abused his daughters. They’d go to their mothers, but she is equally as bad. He witnessed them being beat by their father when they first came into the picture. Step-dad never tried with him, because he was too old and fit and my bf would have floored him if he tried. There has been a few physical altercations between them.
The sisters see my BF as their only safe space. and both of them wrote me hand-written apologies, wasn’t anything fancy, but my bf knows me well enough that “A text won’t do shit for her, if you’re sorry, write it out or tell her face to face.” They weren’t strong enough to face me though, but that’s fine. I don’t… blame them, this situation is just fucked up.
My BF told me that the friendships and personal situations going on involving his life, while we were growing up, were his business in his eyes. Everything that was hurting him, everything that hurt our friends. He was always the one people called on because he wouldn’t tell and that it wasn’t just a “I don’t want to tell you” kind of way, it was a “This is their and my lives, and there is a inability to vocalize how much things can hurt, or knowing something is wrong and telling someone else only to know they’ll be more upset for you than you’re upset for you - sucks.”
He knew if I ever found out about the abuse, I’d of told my dad. He said this infront of my dad, and my dad said it was understandable? Like Dad? hello? Because “You’d take the girl’s father away from them, and unless your mother is willing to adopt them both, you’d lose the girls entirely.” Dad seemed to get it before I got it.
Convo lasted a few hours, my bf asked me if I could forgive him, I told him only if things changed somehow. I asked how I could help, he said I couldn’t.
He asked to speak to my father in private, they did. Then they left for a bit.
The girl’s and my BF have been staying at my house since they got back. Police officers have been by a few times, apparently my dad is protecting the kids now and my bf is going to start a case against their father. My dad is acting as a voice of support/reason, my dad has some sway around here and so people listen to him.
My Bf’s asleep in my bed right now, first time he’s been allowed to sleep in in forever. His sisters are asleep on an air mattress in the living room. Both did end up apologizing too me. The Disney Land bit was because they were scared to be left home alone for a week without my BF there. Nothing more, they were downright fearful to be alone with their father and my BF’s mom. Apparently she’s been abusing them too, without my BF knowing. They told the cops last night.
There is alot… going on. Alot of it is confusing to me and its been a whirlwind.
Disney has become a family…
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