This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-04 05:00:57.

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I am still not the Original Poster. That is That is u/ExIsADipshit and her other account, u/ExIsADipshit2. She posted in r/AITAH.

New Update marked with *****. You can read my previous BORU here.

Trigger Warnings: child abuse/neglect; threatening behavior; infidelity; harassment

Mood Spoiler: Happy ending, mostly

Original Post: September 1, 2023

I (38F) have a 9 year old son Max and 6 year old daughter Olivia with my ex-husband Dan (35M). Max has severe Autism and requires a lot of care.

I remarried 3 years ago and my husband (Luke) is incredible. My ex (Dan, 35M) has them 6 hours every week. This week this was on Tuesday and as I was away for a funeral, Dan took the day off work to be with them in the morning and evening.

Ex and his girlfriend (Sophie) picked them up as planned at 11AM. My husband took this time play a round of golf with my brother. They finished the game at 4pm, and the golf is 30 minutes from our house.

I got a call at 5pm exactly from Sophie SCREAMING at me about me abandoning my kids. I was confused, and eventually realised Luke wasn’t home yet, so I told her where the spare key is so they could wait for Luke to come home inside.

Unfortunately, Luke’s car had gone kaboom on the motorway and he was in a complete coverage dead-zone. He was able to call emergency services, but nothing else would connect. When the Police arrived, the first thing he did was ask if someone could contact Dan to tell him what happened. Sophie was already on the phone to the Police to report me and my husband for “child abandonment”. They said one of us should have been there and my ex doesn’t feel safe inside our home (?), so they’ve left the kids inside our home and that the Police needed to go and “save” our kids and arrest us.

The Police person speaking to them told them multiple times to turn around and that they were the ones who had abandoned them. This whole time I’m getting messages from Dan saying how this was unfair on him and Sophie and that I’m a terrible parent for leaving them with “someone who doesn’t give a shit about our kids”. At this point I didn’t actually know what was going on, all I knew is that Luke wasn’t home but Dan had found the spare key. At no point did he tell me that they’ve left the kids alone.

Luke got hold of me via the Police and I arranged for a friend to go round there as soon as she could, but the Police already had a unit there after the call with Sophie.

After this, I’ve decided to get try and get his 6 hours a week taken away. I’ve given him so much leeway over the years and this was my limit. Our son is dependent on an adult and our daughter is 6, and the only thing he would say to defend himself is “well I kept up my side of the agreement by bringing them back after 6 hours.”

This has caused a whole other shitstorm, to the point where Sophie sent me messages that the Police are now investigating. Dan hinted he is going to try and get the kids taken into care because of my husband “abandoning” then. I had multiple people ask me why I’m staying with someone who abandoned my children. His parents have threatened to try and gain custody of the children, saying the children need a stable family unit, and calling my husband abusive.

I said “fuck this” and put the whole story, with evidence, on my private Facebook page and people quickly understood. But now I’m being branded a drama queen and an asshole for publicly blasting the father of my children, putting my husband above my kids. I don’t understand how, he’s more of a father to them then Dan is!

I feel like I’ve taken crazy pills, AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Did you mean the police investigating you or Sophie?

“I worded it badly in the post, Sophie sent me messages, and the Police are now investigating those messages. Said some horrendous stuff about my kids and even worse stuff about me. Hopefully enough for me to prevent her from ever being near by kids again.”

More info on police involvement:

“I won’t speak too much on the Police involvement, but I will say they won’t be investigating them being left alone. That’s being handled by a more appropriate service. I made the report about the texts she sent and they are treating is as an ongoing pattern of behaviour rather than a one time event? I’m not entirely sure what they meant by that, but I think they’ll consider other stuff that has happened and lump it all together? I am speaking to an Officer on Monday.”

In response to someone saying you shouldn’t eliminate their father from their life:

I don’t think removing your kids from him 100% is good for your kids.

We’re going to have to politely disagree here. He left them alone in a house and refused to go back even after the Police told him he had to because they weren’t his responsibility beyond that time. If that’s not evidence that they’re safer without him, I don’t know what is.

He chose this path, not me.

They don’t get to choose who their father is.

You’re almost correct, they don’t get to choose who their biological father is.

Heavily downvoted comment, but OOP’s response gives more info:

I’d urge you to hold off on your decision until some time has passed. You want your decision to be well-thought and not reactionary, after all.

It’s been 3 days. Assigning my very rightful anger about my severely autistic child and his 6 year old sister being abandoned to being “upset” is demeaning and dismissive.

How many times is an appropriate number of genuine child endangerment before taking action is appropriate in your world? This wasn’t a mistake, this wasn’t something he regrets. He still thinks he did nothing wrong.

Also, the fact you’re just assuming I’m making a “reactionary” decision and “jumping to no contact” on something as serious as the contact my children have with their father? Patronising as fuck.

As for any other behaviour in the past, he has 6 hours a week for a reason. I won’t be going into our history as it’s not required here.

I can’t believe they called the police to tattle on themselves:

"I don’t believe this part of the story, it’s why it’s not in the post, but Luke swears it’s true. I think he’s exaggerating it slightly.

After he asked the Police officer to get someone to contact Dan, they came back and told him about the call from Sophie (based on the address given) and how someone at HQ was trying to tell them to go back to the kids, and said “I’ve dealt with some real bright sparks in my time, but that’s a unique kind of dumb.”"

Did your ex mean he was going to try to take the kids, or that they’d go to foster care?

“He recently moved into Sophie’s place and I remember hearing something about a cold day in hell before she let’s them sleep there overnight. For all his (many) faults, he’s self aware enough to know he can’t look after them. He meant taken into foster care, his parents meant into their care.”

Block Sophie:

“She’s muted. Police said I could block her but they’re looking into her actions being harrasment, so ongoing messages is very helpful to that.”

What did Sophie say in the messages?

“About me, she said I was a shit parent, accused me of neglect, said my car might have an accident, threatened to fight me, accused me of cheating on my ex with Luke, despite him living on a different continent at the time… Just unhinged shit. I’ve had stuff from her in the past but never to this level. I won’t go into what she said about my kids.”

There is no judgement bot, but most of the comments say NTA

Update Post: September 5, 2023 (4 days later)

I immediately forgot the password to the account I posted this on, but I am the OP. I hope that’s ok Mods.

That happened a week ago, post was made a few days after it happened. The post I made on social media had kicked up quite the fuss, but most things have been sorted. For now. And my post is still up telling people what happened.

My brother (Pete) was friends with my ex-husband before we ever got together. He also never really got involved in our relationship, or separation. He’s never really been involved in my life beyond being a good uncle. He’s a nice guy, but we have never been that close, he’s always been closer to my ex, and now with my husband.

When he found out what happened, that completely changed and he put himself right in the middle of it all. My brother was always the “beta” in his friendship with Dan, I always suspected he was scared of him. Well not anymore. He called Dan and ordered him to meet him at Dan’s parents (who he knows quite well). Dan was “advised” that bringing Sophie to this meeting wouldn’t end well for him.

I don’t know exactly what was said, but the result of their conversation is that Dan’s parents are going no contact with him. I don’t like them, they’ve never liked me, but I’ve never doubted…

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