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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-05 05:01:37.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/throwaway0612107. She posted in r/amiwrong
Trigger Warning: infidelity
Mood Spoiler: sad
Original Post: September 27, 2023
Throwaway because he knows my username. Edited with names so it’s easier to read. No update as of yet because I think about decisions before implementing them. Also, we started couples therapy in September, so it hasn’t been that long.
TLDR: My (F35) husband (M35) snapchats with female coworker (F24) daily. Has sent a questionable tiktok to her. She sent him a pic of her in her pajamas. They are #1 bffs on snapchat. I expressed that their relationship made me uncomfortable. He responded by hiding it and lying about talking to her.
Full story:
Coworker (F24), we will call her Debbie, started working with my husband (M35), we will call him Charlie, 2 years ago. Last September, I met her for the first time at a wedding of two of their coworkers. She sat behind us. The girl getting married does not like my husband but he is on the same shift and the whole shift was invited to the wedding. The girl getting married had called Charlie a snake to Debbie in casual conversation - they are not friends and Charlie is generally a good person, imo, so that is not a red flag to me. Debbie told Charlie about this. So, at this point it’s a running inside joke that I was privy to. Back to the wedding - Charlie texts Debbie “snake” and Debbie mouths “stahhp” all flirty. I did think it was flirty but thought that may just be her personality.
Fast forward to the shift Christmas party last year. We have been hosting shift Christmas parties at our house for 2 years. The whole shift was there, but Debbie brings her twin sister as her plus one. One thing about their job is it’s a male dominated field, but I am friends with a few of his coworkers wives. So during the party, all the women were hanging out, except Debbie and her twin sister. She was hanging with the guys. I just assumed it was because she didn’t really know most of the women. No big deal, but the next day, she sends Charlie a couple of photos that she had snapped of him without his knowledge. The photos were accompanied by the text “why did I take these? lol”. He showed me this and his response, which was pretty pg, but I did remark something along the lines of “lol I think she has a crush on you”. He brushed that off.
Fast forward to February - His coworkers are all in their 20s and they convince Charlie to get snapchat. I have never been a fan of snapchat, and Charlie has never had any form of social media, except Reddit. After he gets snapchat, I notice he is on his phone a lot more. I am naturally a nosy person and I realize that is a flaw of mine. So I notice that he is beginning to talk about Debbie more. And I start questioning who he is chatting with. One thing I notice is that every single time he works overtime, she snaps him and asks him if he is working, or she will ask if he worked it the next day. I tell him she is starting to make me uncomfortable. He brushes that off.
March - We go to a new coworkers house on a Wednesday night for a dinner party. None of the wives that I am friends with are there. I also have to work on Thursday and no one else does. Before we go to the party, we discuss leaving at a reasonable time. At 9:45pm, I ask him what time we are leaving. He hem haws around, and I admittedly get frustrated and walk off. He gets mad and decides he is staying as late as he wants. I keep asking when we are leaving and reminding him that I have to work. I spend the rest of the night crying on the couch in a strangers house. 4 people come to check on me. Charlie and Debbie never do and I can see them sitting beside each other outside. Edit: We end up leaving the party at around 1:30AM.
May - We go to a hot air balloon festival an hour from our home. He sees on her snapchat story that Debbie is about 30 minutes away. He tells her where we are and asks her to meet up. I am not really privy to this conversation except that I asked him who he was talking to and it was her. We get in an argument and leave before she arrives and then he tells me that’s what they were talking about.
June - We go to London for vacation and we are arriving back in the states on our anniversary. I post a super cute slideshow. Debbie sees it. Debbie then snaps Charlie about someone breaking into her car. I express that I think it is weird.
August - Charlie says that he stopped talking to Debbie because it made me upset. He has been distancing from me for a few months though, so I still have a gut feeling that something isn’t right. He got a new phone in July, but saved his old phone. I let my intrusive thoughts win and I look at his old phone. Charlie and Debbie talked on the phone for 45 minutes while I was at work and they were both off work. I log into Charlie’s tiktok account. He sent her a video from Barstool sports of a girl telling a guy “I have a crush on you” and the guy reacting really good to it. Two days before he sent that video, Debbie reposts one that says “When you are trying to go to sleep but all you can think about wanting him in your bed.” Two days after he sent her the crush video, she reposts a video that says “The most confusing place you can be is knowing you have a connection with someone but you’re not officially together but your more than friends”. I confront him and tell him that this is an inappropriate relationship. After I confront him, she deletes her videos. He claims he didn’t talk to her about it and still maintains that they stopped talking.
Last week: I decide to check his snapchat on his old phone because I’m still having a gut feeling. They have been #1 bffs on snapchat for at least two weeks. They talk every single day. She sends him a pic of herself in her pajamas (“now I’m in my pjs lol”) while I’m looking. It wasn’t risque but I have never once sent any of my male friends a selfie of myself - much less in my pajamas. I tell him I am not comfortable with their friendship and I would like him to stop being friends with her. Side note- we are in couple’s therapy as well.
During a fight he tells me that he likes having friends. I have no problem with any of his other friends. I ask him why he lied and said he stopped talking to her. He said because he knew I didn’t like it. I feel like I can no longer trust him , and he basically told me that he would rather be friends with her than married to me. I have asked all of my friends if I am overreacting and all of them have told me to leave him. We have been married 13 years and together a total of 15 years.
So reddit - am I overreacting?
Edited a few typos.
Relevant Comments:
What does your therapist say?
“Therapist doesn’t understand why he just won’t stop talking to her but also doesn’t believe that it will be enough for me. 🤷🏻♀️”
Is he attractive?
“I mean, I personally think he is attractive 🤷🏻♀️”
How is your sex life?
“I can only give my point of view, but to answer your question, it was good until a month ago. And he doesn’t want it.”
Update Post: October 29, 2023 (1 month later)
TLDR : divorce incoming
So I gave him an ultimatum (do not recommend) and he has a lawyer friend. He went to see his friend two days later. He decided it wasn’t for him. Our therapist convinced him to block the coworker. We were working on the marriage.
I honestly think we were making progress. We were starting to be able to talk about issues without them getting super heated. He was actually opening up in therapy.
And then he was triggered by his avoidant attachment style. He went to Debbie’s birthday dinner and I didn’t. He stayed at his parents house and came home the next day. I got a Snapchat request from a new female friend and noticed on my list that Debbie had a top friend in common with me. I don’t really use Snapchat except to send videos to a female friend that has iPhone while I have an android. So I have two best friends on Snapchat. Carrie and Charlie. Debbie has the sunglasses emoji next to her name on my list. It can only mean that Charlie added her back.
I asked him to pack a bag and leave. I’m calling a lawyer ASAP Monday. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Relevant Comments:
OOP answers some questions:
Commenter: Damn OP that really sucks but I’m glad you stood up for yourself. What was the reason he decided to go to the party? Also, why did he stay at his parents that’s really suspicious. How did he react when you asked him to leave?
OOP: “He had told me about the party Wednesday and we had planned to go together. Friday morning we had a counseling appointment and the therapist basically told him he needed to start feeling his feelings instead of bottling them in. This triggered his avoidant attachment style. He seemed down all day and I told him I wasn’t going to the party. He told me that he wasn’t going to change right before he left and I told him we couldn’t work without change. That’s why he stayed at his parents. He came back Saturday and I asked him to leave Saturday night.”
Appointment update:
“Appointment with the lawyer is Tuesday.”