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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-06 03:22:28.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Throwaway2449394920
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for keeping my wife on a short leash after she cheated on me?
Trigger Warnings: infidelity, controlling behavior
Original Post - September 28, 2023
My (30M) wife (31F) of 5 years cheated on me last year with her friend when she was out with her friend group. She used to this often, but always came back at around 12:00 am.
But this time she came home very late (at around 5:00 am), and drunk, and I didn’t press the issue that night.
She was distant, and didn’t talk much to me afterwards the next few days, I only found out a couple days later when she confessed to cheating after I kept asking her why she was so cold to me.
I was shocked, I never liked the fact that she went out to bars and clubs, but she never gave me a reason to distrust her, until that night.
I immediately grabbed a bag, packed some stuff, and left, she was begging me to talk about it, but I wasn’t in the mood for it. I was angry, upset, sad, I know that I wasnt in the right head space for this kind of talk, so I stayed with a friend.
Fast forward a few days later, and I agreed to talk to her. She said she was so sorry and would never happen again, and that she would do anything to make me stay.
I spent the time I was away thinking of staying or leaving, and I hate the fact that I still love her. We don’t have kids together, but part of me still wanted to stay.
I gave her certain conditions if she wanted me to stay.
The first one is to never see the man she cheated on me with ever again.
The second was that I could see her phone or computer any time I wanted without having to ask
The last one was that she could no longer go out to bars or clubs without me.
She agreed to all of this.
Over the last year, she’s been estranged from her friend group because she can’t go out with them without seeing the man she cheated on me with, and she hasn’t really made any new friends. I haven’t checked her phone or computer either. I know she likes to go out, so i try my best to go with her when I have time, the bar and club scene was never my thing, but I try to enjoy it with her.
Things haven’t been the same as before, and I’ve thought loosing the “she can’t go out without me” rule, but I keep thinking of what she did.
I’ve explained this to my friend, and she said I should just divorce her if I can’t trust her anymore. I’ve thought about it, I wasn’t as happy as I used to be, she says she’s happy with me around, but she isn’t as energetic as she used to be.
So, AITA?
AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the comments, OOP was NTA
Update - October 16, 2023
Thank you all for responding, it was a little overwhelming how much attention this post got.
To clarify some things that were asked
Our relationship before seemed pretty good. I was never the club and bar kind of person, but me and my wife enjoyed going out to different places. We were both very outdoorsy, we often camping, climbing, hiking, among a lot of other things. We also liked taking trips around the country, and sometimes abroad.
We also had date nights once or twice a week. We both work from home, so we often had a good amount of free time.
We aren’t rich of anything, but we do fine.
Also, to clarify something, we don’t have kids and we don’t want kids.
When it came to our sex life, I think it was decent, we had sex 3-4 times a week, and often tried new things (never with another person though).
The only thing we didn’t share was her habit of going out to bars and clubs.
And now to her friends
Some of you were under the impression I told her to see NONE of her friends. I only told her to stop seeing THE MAN SHE CHEATED WITH.
At first, I didn’t know exactly why she became estranged with the whole group. (They were all part of the friend group).
I met all of her friends, including the man in question, from what I know about him, he was a man whore. Nothing happened between him and my wife before, but I never liked the fact she went out so often with this guy, even if it was in a group setting, especially with alcohol involved. I did bring this up to her, and she told me there was nothing to worry about, and that this was just insecurity talking.
Our relationship now
We’ve gone out hiking a few times, and gone out together on dates, but not nearly as often anymore. I just haven’t felt the desire to.
Our sex life is pretty barren as well. She’s tried to initiate plenty of times, but I rarely want to.
The update
I’ve talked to my wife, and we both reflected on our relationship. She still claims she wants to stay with me, and would respect my conditions no matter what.
I asked her what she would do if I let go if the conditions.
She told me she’s truly ashamed of what happened, and she said she probably wouldn’t go to a club or bar alone anymore.
I asked about her old friends, and she told me that she doesn’t want to be their friend anymore. She told me that they thought she was being unreasonable for not wanting to see the guy anymore, and that’s just how he is.
Basically, they refused to cut the guy off, and they didn’t like that my wife had a problem with him
I never asked her about this before, because I didn’t care about how my condition was met. All that I cared about was that it was met.
I’ve opened up a bit more, and how our life now is pretty dull. She said she’s aware our relationship isn’t the way it was before.
I asked her if she wants things to change, but she said she doesn’t feel that she has the right to ask me for anything, she said she’s aware it’s her fault our relationship is like this.
I mentioned couples therapy, and she immediately said that it was a good idea.
I still resent her, but from what I can tell, she does want to make this work.
I can’t fully trust her yet. I still remember when she first said that there was nothing to worry about.
We decided to start couples therapy. I’ll be honest though, the only reason I’m willing to do this is because she has followed my conditions for a year, but I don’t think this is gonna help me trust her ever again, if therapy doesn’t work, then I’ll leave.
Relevant Comments
hideme21: I just read your first post and the update. Did she ever say WHY she went home with him? Cool she regrets it. But what caused her to give into that desire? What was she feeling or thinking?
OP: This is a good question. I haven’t asked her. I’ll bring this up in therapy when I get the chance.
Toadwart79: Are any of her friends married or in serious relationships? Their flippant disregard by saying “that’s just how he is” makes it sound like they’ve taken a turn. Before she cheated did she ever mention him sleeping with other members of the friend group? Honestly, with their attitude about the whole thing, I wouldn’t want to be around them any more than I would the AP. It sounds like she is owning up to it, and she confessed without being caught. I am 100% about cheaters can never be trusted, but she sounds far more serious than any I’ve seen. I am (for once) glad to hear that you are going to try therapy. You deserve happiness, so if you 2 can work it out and be happy that’s awesome. If therapy helps you see that you’ll never be happy together again, then you won’t waste any more time. Good luck to OP.
OP: As far as I know, only one of the girls, besides my wife, was in a serious relationship.
She mentioned him hitting on all the girls in the group and was constantly trying to pick up women at clubs and bars they all went to.
Besides that, I don’t know much else. I’m not exactly keen on knowing the details of this guy’s sex life.
REMINDER - THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP