I had made a similar post on reddit r/trans as well with the same account name.
Hello, if my account name was not a dead giveaway this is a throwaway account.
I am a twenty year old AMAB from India and I am very confused regarding my gender. I live near Delhi and though the culture is very open, there is no one in my circle who is trans. I have tried exploring my gender identity (mostly by comparing my feeling with those that other trans women have wrote they felt, anything aside from this, like cross dressing, might be too costly for me) but I feel like I am working in a vaccum. My question is if there is some resource than can accurately tell if I am trans. For reference, I have already read the gender dysphoria bible, I tick some but not all boxes in imposter and social dysphoria descriptions.
I have read accounts of various trans women and my experience is very different from them. I never felt uncomfortable due to my penis, I never felt as if I was better off as a woman as a kid. As a kid, up until I was 16, I was bullied as a “Chakha”, it is a derogatory term for trans people in north india, I don’t know if it is influencing my feelings. Due to that it took me some time to stop lashing out to be my knee jerk reaction to being called or compared to a girl.
As for reasons I think I might be trans is that nearly every few months I get these intense feelings that I wish I could be a woman. During one of those I nearly cried thinking that I can never be a mother. But these feelings pass by very quickly. Even though I prefer interacting online and even in games through a female persona most of my hobbies are male coded (like FPS games, wargaming, etc). I also hate keeping a beard and hate my belly, others tell me I am not that fat but I don’t feel great about it. Also sometimes I need to stop myself from acting a little too feminine. There was this one time when a friend used a male to female filter on me, I kept gushing about how cute the photo was the entire day.
Any help in this is very much appreciated. This is my first time writing in a forum so please forgive me for any mistakes. Thank you
Thanks for reply. This is actually very close to my problem, sometimes I feel as if I want to be a woman while other times I am indifferent to my gender. My issue is how do I explore this more. Is there a checklist, self assessment or anything similar for confirming this. I can’t afford therapy, not only is it costly but it would leave a black mark in my resume (Indians are still working towards being accepting of trans people) and there are not a lot of therapist that specialize in this, I think. I can’t try something like crossdressing either because I don’t want my parents to know.
Hey OP, have you looked into non-binary peoples experiences? I’m not the most knowledgeable but it might be worth checking. You may also want to read some queer theory if you haven’t already. It won’t give you the answers but it will give you the tools and language to be informed and help you work your way through these feelings on your own. Therapy is expensive and it’s not always an option, I’m in the same boat.
As others have said it may behoove you to seek out LGBT+ spaces nearby so you can talk with people in your area. There may be some unspoken cultural barriers on the web that are impacting how you approach this. People within your locale might be able to better relate to the nuances of your situation that others online may not share or even notice. It’s certainly worth a shot. At the very least you’ll have found an inclusive space of like-minded people that you can feel safe exploring your gender with. I wish you the best and hope you’re able to find the answers you’re looking for