This is a throwaway because I legitimately feel like a huge pos for making this post. So let me start off with saying:
I know I am 100% in the wrong here and I want to change it. I am grateful for every help I can get. Feel free to rip into me but I really want to change the way I think but I don’t know how.
I have had troubles with finding a partner for forever. Only thing I ever did with someone was making out with a girl at a party but nothing beyond that. I also never had a relationship and I am in my mid 20’s. Up until a week that is. I got into a friends with benefits situation with one of my closest friends. She knew I was completely inexperienced and took my viriginity.
Ever since that happend it has been great. I am at her place as much as possible and we both really, really, really like each others company. I sincerely mean it when I say I enjoy every minute with her as long as it is with her.
And she feels very similar. I think she might like me even more than I do her and that means a lot. We have both acknowledged that we are drifting towards a relationship but she is a lot more outgoing about it than I am. Because I have some hang ups I need your advice on.
She had a lot of bad experiences in her life and bears a lot of scars from it (both physically and mentally). I don’t want to get into it tooooo much but [CW:SA] an ex-boyfriend tried to choke her to death and one of her grandparents raped her multiple times (and her family blamed her for it etc.). She had A LOT of different relationships and flings over the years and while some were good or even great for a while, it turned all to shit for her eventually. I was around for the fallout(s) for the last years and I sincerely think it wasn’t her fault, she just had very bad taste in guys apparently.
She repeatedly told me no other guy she was ever with treated her has nice as I do. Which makes me feel even worse for what I am to type.
I am really attracted to her personality and what’s in her head but I do not have a lot of attraction for her body and I feel horrible because of that.
I am a bit of a gym rat. I work out 4 times a week, track pretty much every crum I ingest and I am pretty jacked. And while going to the gym started as a way to improve my chances at finding a partner in the past, it is now something that I really enjoy doing just for the sake of doing it. I want to stay fit, healthy and active for as long as possible in my life.
She isn’t. In fact she is in very bad shape, with other words: very overweight. I know why that is the case. With what she went through again and again it makes absolute sense that she needed an outlet and couldn’t be bothered with staying at a healthy weight. And she is ready to loose weight. She actively asked me if she can workout with me. And I highly appreciate it. I want to help her get more healthy and it’s amazing she shows so much initiative. So I am positive that she can reach her fitness goals with me.
She is also a big fucking nerd just like me and has very similar taste in music and shows which is amazing as well.
But I am afraid of the future. I am afraid that if I start dating her now I end up regretting it later in life.
I am afraid I will regret never having had a “hot” girlfriend and that I will be judged by my pears and family for my choice of partner but on the other side I literally never met someone like her my entire life. I never had a relationship because I never met a girl that I got along with enough. The chemistry just wasn’t there. But it is there with her and I want her in my life so bad.
There is also the issue paying the bills and getting children. I recently left my well paid corporate job for a significantly less paid job that I really, really, really love. The pay isn’t horrible and if both of us had roughly the same pay we could pay the bills without many troubles but she has a minimum wage job and her chances of getting out are really slim. She has no A level and didn’t go to college. It’s not her fault. She is on the spectrum and has ADHD so school or university wasn’t really her world. And she isn’t dumb either the education system just wasn’t able to accommodate for her. We would get around well enough for the time being but with everything going to shit in the west I don’t know how long we can manage. I do have the chance to get better pay in the future but I am not sure if the same is true for her.
Which leads me to my last point. I always wanted to be a father but this is pretty much out the window if we get together. Due to a birth defect her ovaries are non functional. Which wouldn’t be a problem for me since I am also more than open for adopting but she can’t bring herself to ever adopt or see children since her crazy religious family drilled into her head that she is not a woman since she can’t bear children. Having a child in her life would make her fell constantly lesser and she can’t cope with that.
I obviously don’t want her to feel that way. All I want her to feel is happiness and help her make up for all of the shit that happend in her life earlier + with the money situation being the way it is having a child isn’t a good idea anyway.
So yeah TL:DR: I am in my mid twenties and are getting into my first relationship ever with a girl I have known for years and have strong feelings for but I am deathly afraid of making a mistake and regretting it later in life. My main hang ups being her weight, her minimum wage job and her inability to have children.
Was anyone here ever in a similar situation? What can I do? I don’t want to loose her but I don’t want to wake up one day and think “Damn I fucked up.” either.
P.S. I don’t blame her for any of the faults I mentioned. Her circumstances are the fault of capitalism and a fucked up child hood. There is nothing she could have done about it under this system and with her family.
I think this post is kind of fucked up, but if you’re as young and inexperienced as you say then I’ll try to be charitable.
On “hotness”: there is not some third party determining this. There is clearly not some theoretical hotter girl waiting in the wings. You either do not like her enough to be in a relationship, or need to give her some space until you get past this phase of socialized shallowness.
On her trauma: yikes, dude. She clearly has stuff to handle, but I think if you actually liked her you wouldn’t be sharing it online.
On her job, the ability to have kids, and the future: double yikes. Slow down. Please just get familiar with having a relationship before you get ahead of yourself. Having kids and moving in together is years down the road. Lots changes about jobs in that time. I think you’re just trying to justify reasons to not be in a relationship because you don’t like her that much.
As someone who went through a string of almost relationships in similar ways, it really just sounds like you don’t particularly like her and are confusing being able to have sex with wanting to be in a relationship. If you actually liked her, none of this would be an issue.
Best of luck.
He said he likes her mind and personality, it doesn’t sound like it’s just a matter of sex. He doesn’t seem shallow at all, a shallow person would not have made it this far. While society might, yes, for example make fatphobia a terrible thing, ultimately we cannot change who we are attracted to, or what traits we are attracted or unattracted by. I do agree being in love with someone can make anything and everything about them more attractive but love can only do so much.
It may come off crude to flippantly air other peoples crazy bad traumas but I understand the urge to want to talk about it, at least this is a tucked away and anonymous place.
Isn’t there a disparity between him saying that he’s not attracted to her, and clearly still being able to have sex with her?
Maybe I’m too influenced by my own experiences - I used the same lines in similar situations when I was younger. When I met a partner I actually liked it was starkly different.
Probably varies. I know I basically forced myself to have sex in a lot of situations last year, and there were moments where I felt an attraction to them, enough to make some of such actions sincere, but I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that, overall, I wasn’t attracted to them, even if with some of them I had sex a dozen times.
I can imagine being a touch-starved virgin would also make having sex with nearly anybody very easy, just like my emotional volatility led me to do things with people I rationally could have told you ahead of time I wasn’t into.
I think this is all so personal, it’s hard for us not to be pulling from our personal experience. People don’t talk about sex enough. I barely even know anything about my best friend and what he likes or doesn’t like.
That’s actually very relatable to me.
Maybe I’m being a little harsh to him. It’s hard to not pull from my own experiences and end up responding with young-me in mind and not the OP.
To be fair, they did also ask to be unfucked, I think both harshness and gentleness from different people can help build a broader understanding. He should understand that, yes, these sort of things will deeply upset some people, you are perfectly valid in your reaction to it. There was no name calling, you restrained yourself quite well.
I myself projected my own past self onto OP and thus felt to leap to his defense. We’re all just playing out our own pasts, huh?
Much love.
Much love, homie. Glad for your perspective!
Yours too 💗