When reached for comment Chief Justice Roberts relayed the events that occurred that morning leading to Justice Thomas’s unplanned absence. “I called him up and said, dude, you’re on the schedule to work this morning. Where the hell are you? And he said ‘bro, I’m like totally hung over. I was partying with these insurrectionists last night at a rooftop rave rolling my balls off. Babe, can you hand me that water bottle? No, that wasn’t talking you Bob. Can you, like, call Ruth to cover?’ And I’m like ‘Hey asshole, I’m tired of covering your damn shifts. Ruth doesn’t work here anymore, and you know that. Get your ass in here or I’m marking you as ‘unexcused absence’. And he’s like ‘no can do, bro. I’m Audi 5000 today, see ya!’ and then he totally hung up! I swear, I don’t even think he wants this job anymore. I wish he’d fuckin’ quit already.”

Wow, I never knew such drama exists so high in our third brand government. Is this what the framers intended?