I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.
On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.
On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.
So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.
My mom died a decade ago, and my dad about two years ago. Neither were great, and to a certain extent, their passing left a bit of relief that I was no longer responsible for them. However, with them gone, there is no longer a chance to fix those relationships. They are both dead and my relationship with them will forever have been shitty.
It is sad to think about those times when my dad would tell me he wanted to try to be a better parent, but I’m the end, he never followed through. I don’t look back and think about how he doesn’t have any more chances to fulfill those promises, I see it that he can no longer break that promise to me that he would try.
I know that my parents would not change, they would never take responsibility for how their choices hurt others, they would always continue with their selfish behaviors, and they would never be the parent that every child deserves. Some people can’t be fixed.
I understand your feeling of relief.