I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.
On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.
On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.
So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.
You may be grieving two different things
One is the permanent loss of any possibility of receiving the parental love that every child deserves.
The second is the actual human being that was your parent.
Separate the two.
Grieving the first does not require you to grieve the second.
And remember that there are no "should"s in grief: we might grieve over something that has no logic behind it, and we might not grieve when someone else thinks we should.
Ignore all of that.
Focus on what your grief is telling you is important, and use any future opportunity for growth to grow in that direction.
It’s all that any of us can do.
I think it’s the former. I grieved the parental relationship several years ago when I realized it would never change.