The amount of queer filth that my brain contains is indescribable
Please open port 80 on your brain chip
When it’s awake, it has aphantasia and no internal monologue.
When it’s asleep, it has hyperphantasia and lucid dreaming.
Waking up every day, feels like getting a lobotomy.The funny part, is that sometimes it feels like I “just know” some things, or “just do” some things… out of the blue, with no conscious effort, but they match the conscious process (…or is this the subconscious talking? hm).
What is consciousness to you?
I call consciousness, the part of mental processes that is self-aware, makes decisions about what to do before it does it, and can remember having made them.
For example: I’ve just put on a t-shirt.
- I consciously decided that I would put on a t-shirt and which one.
- I noticed that my body got close to the t-shirt, extended an arm to grab it, went through the motions of putting on a t-shirt, used one hand to scratch an itch on the other elbow, spun around, and sat down.
At no moment did I decide to do any of those actions in particular, just witnessed them a moment after they happened. It was some other process(es) that executed them, and I only remember deciding to “put on a t-shirt and which one”.
As I write this, I sound in my head what I could write next, consciously feel which of those sound better and feel more like what I want to transmit, then my finger moves across the phone keyboard to type or swipe the word, with flashes of conscious decisions about autocorrect, while mostly sitting idle and watching things happen. Then I read it back, sounding each word and feeling whether they sound right, while other words and sentences “get proposed to me” and I feel whether they’d feel better or worse.
So there is a lot of things going on “in the background”, that I kind of have control about, but I consciously only watch and coast on, feeling whether I should step in. If I do step in, it’s like a flash of conscious decision, and back to coasting.
I wonder if there’s people out there that make a decision and their body just does something entirely different? Like there’s a lower reliability.
But back to the topic: you mentioned it’s the mental process that’s self aware. So my question shifts to what is self awareness and what is awareness to you?
Well… now that you mention it, yes there are: procrastinators, ADHD. Sometimes no matter how much I’d want to do something, I could only watch things happen. I got what I now realize was a suggested diagnosis 20+ years ago, but at this point it’s too late to roll back time.
Self awareness to me, is the ability to think about thinking itself. Realizing that a thinking process is taking place, and being able to analyze and trace it from start to finish.
There are many other processes going on, that I’m only made aware a result that they yield, with no insight into the process itself. Strictly speaking, for all I know, they could also be self-aware, in some separate corner of my brain… but they never contribute any of that awareness to the process that’s deciding to write this 🤷
Oh I know all about procrastination! To me it’s just a symptom of mental health issues, but there can of course be many other reasons or factors.
The guy mentions making an app. As a coder who likes coding, I wonder why he wants to do that. Like, it’s completely bonkers to write an app if you don’t enjoy coding. It just sounds like he is absolutely terrible at figuring out what fits with him and what doesn’t.
Like making an app isn’t about breaking it down into bricks. That’s just planning. It really comes down to motivation and properly managing that.
I think it’s totally natural to circle around your goal, kinda like an eagle. The thing is when you are depressed or sum you just sit in your nest, waiting to heal, or for someone to come over and help. Which unfortunately doesn’t always work in our modern society.
And his description of some kind of normal person just bothers me. I have heard only of 1 person in my circles who is like that guy without monkey. He is an autist and I am sure he loves having a rigorous plan every day simply because it gives him predictability. Like he’ll literally be able to tell you what he’ll be doing next week Tuesday at 14. He’s world class in his field but my god I would never want to live like that.
Personally I think people should stop beating themselves up so much. If you treat yourself like shit the world will happily step in and take as much as it can.
Instead you should find out what your strengths are and what motivates you, and then leverage that on the market. So if you’re just being yourself and you end up in the Linux command line and eventually write a small app, then that can slowly grow and once you have 10 years of experience you can decide to go for building the big one. Any other approach is just futile and a waste of perfectly good energy.
Check the ADHD video, I think it complements the series of articles quite nicely.
Oh ya, I forgot! I’ll check it rn.
I just came back on to share this video with you 😁
Omg she’s so talented and funny! Really impressive.
But my god watching that video is like putting my brain through a meat grinder. I can’t imagine watching another one, phew!
It really sucks if you have that. I have a friend who has it and it sucks so bad. I always have to grab all her shit before she leaves the door. Her struggle is real.
My focus has definitely regressed during my endless depressed egg years, so I understand it somewhat. I am fixing this by really committing to what I am doing. Like watching a movie in one go, only to take a bathroom break or to eat something small like an apple. And currently I am also playing Bayonetta levels in the same manner.
For me it’s more of a depression thing. Like my brain is just like uh uh I definitely can’t handle this, and then switches to something simpler.
It has me unplugging every appliance when not in use (yes, such as the microwave, toaster, etc.).
Why
Save $ over time.
Good brain
🧠 pat pat
I’m asexual and aromantic so those parts just don’t do anything in my head. I often find people’s romantic woes very confusing as the option of “just leave them” seems very simple to me!
I do experience a lot of love for my friends though and make friends easily so I’m in no way lonely or pining.
Platonic love is amazeballs 🪩
like the physical structure or how it works e.g. mind or what?
Whatever you prefer, it’s an open question
instead of learning to stop over thinking and being less anxious, i’ve decided to lean into it and try to prepare / predict every situation, along with the most common / reasonable ones, and prepare accordingly. and once i have, i let it go
for example, i’m at the airport to take a flight soon… so i packed earlier today to the best of my ability. both for necessities and entertainment. is it possible that i forgot something? you betcha. but according to all of the possibilities i’ve simulated in my head, i’ve got everything i need within the possibility sphere i’m likely to occupy
of course, there are some situations which could happen that i would be screwed if they did… the most concerning of which is, embarrassingly, whether or not my nose hair gets long enough to make my nose itch while i’m gone. but hopefully that was a one off itching that won’t come back later!
the possibility space of a trip away from home is pretty small and tame, but the possibility space for interactions with other people is much bigger, as well as unique to every individual. plus, the ever present threat of a traumatic reaction adds a lot of randomness to the scenario
still, i’m hoping that i can build a broad, general enough map to cover most situations. it’s quite a herculean task, but i feel like humans are mostly the same at heart. guess i’ll find out if that’s true or not 😅
please note that relaxing and accepting the possibility of things going “wrong” (in unforeseen or undesirable ways) is still a very important part of the process. for the best results, you’ll still want to be able to take in, process, and respond to any given situation, which you’ll need to be able to accept and calm down to process in the moment
the key difference here is recognizing that the main way a social interaction falls apart is when a traumatic reaction occurs, and researching and recognizing what that looks like, and understanding the mechanisms at play behind it, and the best ways to act and respond when it happens; while also taking into account that you, yourself, may have a traumatic reaction in response, with the associated skillsets learned and developed to counteract it
so yeah, writing all of that out is why my brain is a little funny. i don’t really think i should, because it feels like i’m talking a little bit too much, either about how i work, or how people work, i’m not sure. buuut i’m at the airport and a little tipsy and have nothing better to do… and you asked! so i hope it was kind of a fun or interesting read
Your story reminded me of this person posting about their next seat neighbor who was raw dogging reality by staring in front of themselves for like 12 hours straight. That must be one of the eventualities on your mental spreadsheet, amirite?
LOL it’s been me before but hopefully never again. sometimes it feels like that though, when i’m thinking about something or someone really hard for a while :')
It’s not smooth, but it sure acts like it sometimes.
Is it jagged?
Pixelated, even!
Nice. How many colors?
You know that effect you get when you stare at a dancing soap bubble in the sunlight? All of those! 😊
😲
I do a lot of things that people are afraid to do and it feels so easy for me… and yet simple social interaction can be so incredibly stressful.
What you do?
Honestly, nothing crazy. Things that have elecited reactions include traveling all over the place solo, scuba diving, sky diving, hopping into a four seater plane when it’s raining and foggy, getting up in front of people singing… Nothing really big, but the number of times people have said, “I could never do that!” that have coincided with me thinking, “This conversation is way more stressful than that!” is kind of funny.
Rozwud, I challenge you to pet a cat in public while baby talking loudly, until the cat decides to leave.
😂
Mine has Borderline Personality Disorder.
Wait… That’s not funny… 🤔
It’s borderline funny 🙊
I’ve seen someone talk about it on soft white underbelly. It must be hard or impossible to function in this society, right?
I have synaesthesia.
I have aphantasia!
Does that complicate things in your life?
It can be frustrating not having pictorial memories when I’m missing loved ones, and I wonder if it has contributed to my out of sight out of mind attachment, but it’s mostly just rough when I miss my childhood dog.
I have some memories that are hazily pictorial from very young, which makes me suspect a head injury from a young age may have caused it for me. No way to know for sure though, and I don’t have any lasting effects otherwise.
The only way it’s ever affected me otherwise is in my sense of creativity, where I’m drawn more to music and language than drawing. I would like to, but it’s just difficult to do anything that isn’t in front of me, so I tend to do zentablges which get created as they go. I also like to take photographs to remember important places and moments, but I’m not particularly set on capturing every one. I’m back and forth on taking lots of photos cause I’m very in the moment, and other times I regret not taking more since it’s basically lost visually unless I go back again.
Thankfully, I’m not without visuals entirely. Aphantasia is separate from the hypnogogic state of sleep, so things like lucid dreaming and that pre-imagery stage are one way I can experience it. However it’s rare, and dreams themselves for me are primarily black and white with a red haze from time to time. Hypnogogia is pretty vibrant though.
First of all, zentangles! Wow! I’ve taken note of that. Impressive af.
Regarding your description of how you think - This is the most amazing thing I’ve read in this comment section so far, because we are like polar opposites in this sense. It’s honestly quite mystical to me, like how can someone exist without fantasy and mental visualization?
I’m wondering if you have a question for me maybe. I think entirely in a form of daydreaming or experience, called picture or visual thinking. The name is a bit of a misnomer because it includes the other senses as well.
They’re quite fun! Highly recommend! There’re patterns you can learn but I like just free forming it from what feels nice!
And yeah I try not to think too much about what I’m missing out on, like that meme “replaying the entirety of {Movie} in my head”, or what it would be like to be able to visualize something unique and bring that to paper. But, I feel I have skills in other ways that I’ve developed. I feel very strong in analysis and putting together threads that not everyone seems to, so I have leaned into work that utilizes that. Like I said with performing arts, literary/media analysis, and so many of my hobbies are creatively focused. So sometimes it gets frustrating, cause it would be so nice to get a full sense of what I’m “imagining”. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have imagination, just not in pictures. So it’s effectively making up details and threading those together.
Also unlike some, since aphantasia is a range, I do have spatial and audio “imagination”, and I’ve been playing music from a very young age so I have a learned sense of perfect pitch that’s stuck with me, and my spatial sense is using relative objects and knowing the estimated dimensions of an object. Every few months I would reorganize my room and leading up to it I would think about what would best be where, which in turn was very helpful for running events in my adult life!
With that sense of spatial awareness I have found that even though I have a aphantasia it’s sort of representative of how Daredevil from Marvel comics sees, because when I know a space I’m able to walk it with my eyes closed very well, even though I can’t see anything in my mind I “feel” this shadowy haze that makes up my dreams and when I try to visualize things. Remembering where objects are is also fairly strong since it can be made into a simple set of boxes that represent the details. Like on my desk, pen holder, keyboard, mouse, devices, and when I go to look for the device it’s usually how I last remember it. I don’t have face blindness, but I can’t re-picture someone’s face. I “know” what it looks like but it’s not helpful because there’s no reference in real space (until I see them or someone who has a feature they have). The same goes for scenery, I know what it looked like just recreating it visually is not possible.
When I close my eyes and try to visualize, it’s black, but static. I also have a bit of a color aura, sort of like those Mandelbrot infinite depth things. It’s always circular, never perfect, and it usually comes from outside of my 2D black plane when I close my eyes, enclosing a deep dark shaded color (usually r g b, and grey only). There’s not much I can do, I think somewhat slow it down or speed it up if I “try” but there’s not a lot else. It’s never gone side to side or anything (until hypnogogia where it gets all crazy). But, the static… It’s ever so slightly affected by what I know. I know what my table looks like, so I can shift it in space to get a feel for if it fits. I’m pretty strong with this and it’s the closest thing I have to visualization, but it’s so far removed from it. It’s like a black and white version of a magnet on an old TV… Just… Barely formed lines and depth, so faint but just barely there to be workable.
With that I like to do blueprint sketching when I come up with those ideas, since that is the closest I have to being able to put my mind on paper. It’s helpful because it’s permanent, and whatever I’m “working” in my mind is very, very brief. Sadly, it works well only for blueprinting, so really not anything artistic, just conceptual. Because of that I like to say I have conceptualization just not visualization, since as long as I’ve seen what it is we’re talking about I have the sense of what it is.
It’s really interesting being a detail focused mind since I can’t help it, but I also don’t remember everything so it’s really just what happens to stick out to me, or if I’m specifically on the lookout for it.
What’s interesting is that aphantasia seems fairly uncommon, and visualization seems fairly common. Most people I talk to are surprised to hear that other people do not have visualization, or that the extent of theirs may differ from someone else’s – like you said you have other senses as well, which not everyone who has it does, or some have varying intensities. I think it can also play into people’s social and religious interactions as well, since some people are so heavily affected by their visualization. I’ve known a number of Christians who smoked weed for the first time and their social constructs that they see Jesus or demons and angels fighting which, well… That’s awesome, and so far removed from my perception of reality haha.
What I find interesting is that when taking certain psychedelics, this perception is changed in different ways (obviously I guess haha). Acid had distorted visual reality, and just made the color patterns more chaotic. Mushrooms also distorted visual reality, but also made closed eye visuals more circular and colorful. Neither really did much for me other than making my “visualization” more like the random chaotic hypnogogic state. But DMT… That was a wildly different experience that actually had me experience a fraction of what you probably experience on a daily basis. From fractals in 3D with colors I’ve never imagined to full on visualization, it was very overwhelming! There were other reasons too, but there was really nothing like it. I literally can’t imagine what it would be like to control something like that!
Super interesting! Saved it so I can go over it again later.
Regarding religion I have a funny story. I once met this guy and we had this amazing spiritual connection. Really powerful. So anyway we connect. He’s like I can give you some lessons if you like.
So a year or two later I pick him up on that. He says next Saturday at 1300 sit down and close your eyes.
Mind you I meditate and I’ve had some powerful experiences, but it seemed he didn’t quite catch on to that. I was like well do you want me to meditate? Where? And so on, trying to get details out of him. But he wouldn’t give me any. Just had to close my eyes at 1300 on that specific day. I dunno, crazy stuff, but why the heck not.
So I went out into the forest with a good friend and it was nearly 13. So we sit down on the path and start meditating.
My dude I was having a most interesting experience! I was on a beach and it was pitch black at night. And over the water this huge elephant person floated towards me. I am talking like 1km high. It looked a lot like one of those Indian gods. It was quite moving and a unique experience.
So I was all like wow that was amazing I can’t wait to talk to him. I got home and called him and told him the story.
😂 He was speechless and had no clue wtf I was on about 🤣
Apparently he’s into some kind of esoteric cult that has like a hierarchy and I was gonna end up paying him for it. He was gonna like hook me up to their mental social network. Like wow one of the biggest wtf moments of my life.
It made me wonder a lot about how that can be. That two people can feel such a powerful emotional spiritual connection, but then just absolutely have different ideas about how it works. This guy wasn’t crazy or stupid or anything, but well, I did piss him off somehow. I dunno I guess he was prideful 🤷🏻♀️
FYI I left a top level comment
Which senses?
Hearing and vision, with some tactile and proprioceptive.
Do you feel it adds something to your life?
I don’t know. When it’s suppressed for some reason there is certainly something missing from my life.
It’s funny like that. We all have such a unique way of perceiving the world. Yet it is normal to us.
I was in my late 20’s before I found out that everybody didn’t see sounds. Not an uncommon revelation in the synaesthetic community.
Yeah same here with experiential/visual thinking. Lots of people just don’t believe me. And I can’t imagine what it’s like to think in abstract concepts or language.
I like reading manuals and textbooks.
What kinds?
I have a whole forest in mine.
And I can access many different worlds and scenarios any time I want.
Does the forest vary in how engaging it is to you? What is the most amazing place?
No, not particularly. It is all equally as interesting. I am still exploring it though.
What kind of forest is it?
A very dark one, it feels homey.
I can imagine it :) Are there any animals?
There might be, however, I’ve only met people, which are also technically animals and animls can be people. So yeah, most of it is flora though not fauna.
Can you teleport
Holds up well to fast food, poor sleep, and no exercise 🫠
Always worth an experiment to see how you’d feel if you played your cards right
I dreamed about my high school class today. The school psychologist came to our lesson. At some point, two priests showed up, and the teacher, along with the psychologist, ran to the psychologist’s office. The priests chased after them because they had come to play with them (rap. yooo yooo- you know, banned word). One mischievous classmate also ran after them, and then policemen ran after them in the hallway to catch them.
Everything happened very quickly. Some of the classmates went into that room, but there was another door slightly ajar, and everyone was afraid to go in. Everyone was shouting one by one: ‘Cut them off!’
There was a bathtub in the corner, and suddenly one of the classmates started breaking eggs into it, and then everyone followed suit, and soon everything was spilling all over the floor. The end. The ending is funny. :D
🤔 The eggs are clearly a representation for your repressed sexual drive towards your grandmother.
Also remind me to start charging you more
Well, I’m happy that you asked 🤭
I’m privileged with my brain, but it does require a lot of special attention.
As I mentioned in another comment here already, I think in experiences. This has many pros and cons.
One of the pros is that math comes easy to me because I can simply look at it and resolve it visually. While writing this I am seeing thin red lines tangling and detangling, because that is one representation of math to me.
When I close my eyes I immediately see a stream of morphing images, much like those diffuse ai videos. But it is fully immersive with sound and is also emotional. The past few years it has also turned haptic, which is a bit unsettling because I am worried about hurting myself with my physical pose. I’ve had a few times that I return and my legs are sleeping. When I say hapric I don’t just mean the ability to touch stuff, I also mean the deep feeling of being physically there.
I can go on, but I don’t want to make this too long. Here are some contras.
My brain simply refuses to do certain things, no matter how hard I want or need to do them. It’s not due to a lack of discipline. Basically I have a symbiotic relationship with my subconsciousness, and I better not forget it.
It always needs new information and to experiment with new things. This has consequences. For instance I can’t really hold a routine longer than that it is interesting. I can get up at 5 every day, go for a run, then get to work and earn money. But this will only last a maximum of a few months until my brain decides it is done with exploring it. After that all I can do is accept the verdict and come up with something new, even if I was rather enjoying the results, or needed it.
I can’t really play games for very long. If I really really like a game I can play it for maybe two weeks. But for the life of me I can’t understand how someone can play a game for thousands of hours. The flood of novelty changes into a trickle and it’s just not enough to keep old Bessie happy. And it kind of sucks because I can imagine it must be so chill to just have this one goto game for unwinding, and it must be nice to be able to be part of a clan and to know all the little ins and outs of a game world.
I was absolutely atrocious in school. My brain is just incapable of learning that a queen has to be written to this way and a bishop has to be written to that way in a letter. I can see that it’s easy. I can see that I need to learn it for my own good. But it’s just not in the cards, so I flunked over and over again. I cried so much, and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t entirely stupid until I was 26!
A few years ago I had art therapy. The therapist told us to do a test. It was a piece of paper with a grid of points on it, some of them connected with lines. We had to look at it for a short while. Then we had to turn it over. On the other side you had the same grid but without any of the lines, and she told us to fill it in with the same pattern, from memory.
Most people there would have failed the test if it would have been in an academic setting. A few were pretty decent. But I aced it and didn’t miss a single thing. I cried so hard, because of all the trauma it brought up. It taught me that I’m not a failure and I have my own abilities.
One last contra is that all words appear experientially to me. So for example trickle down economy looks/feels like someone peeing. And there’s a user on here called maggot, and it’s disgusting to me because I keep seeing a maggot in trash, and I can sort of feel its soft scales and so on.
Love this! I’m glad you were able to come to learn what worked best for you. There are levels of academia and standardized is not for everyone, so it’s great that you eventually did find your strengths!
Thanks. Coming to this realization has allowed me to leverage my strengths on the market and also in terms of output for what I care about myself.
I feel this applies to so many other people too, that they feel bad about themselves because of what they were taught, and just don’t see how strong they really are in some areas.
For example a friend of mine has adhd and flunked everything. But when you are talking with her she can totally hyperfocus on you and absolutely be there. She’s a listener and a healer. She has thank you notes from people all over her apartment.
She’s also freakin poor and always struggling. I told her yesterday hey why don’t you go into coaching? There is such a high demand for people like you, you don’t have to be licensed, and I know you’d ace it.
