We’re an autistic couple. Both of us struggle with intense sensory stimuli, which is making oral sex difficult to give to each other.
Are their any tips on making this easier? We can just try things out and see what works
I can’t offer an autism perspective, but I will say that figuring out what you like and don’t like is a very common issue and unique to each couple.
My own wife does not have autism, but also is extremely sensitive and cannot handle anything but very delicate sensation. Over time we’ve just figured out through experimenting what works for her. I don’t think anyone could have taught us - it was something we had to figure out together.
So, my long reply short: you are right. Try things out and see what works. As long as you are listening to each other you are on the right track.
What things have you tried? Perhaps one of them works for us
Well, nothing very groundbreaking, honestly. Her preference is most any kind of contact with labia (she finds they’re not as sensitive), which would mostly include licking (mostly midline, from introitus towards clitoris) or lip to lip, like you’re kissing the labia like a mouth.
For direct clitoral simulation she prefers very gentle kissing of it, and eventually gentle licking (either flicking or circular around it) or sucking.
But again, the pace, intensity, pattern is very individual.
I might suggest just looking up oral sex guides and then seeing if any parts of them work for you.
Ahh, no our issues are not that way. The smell, taste, texture, etc can be overwhelming. For both of us this makes giving oral difficult
Ah I see. I wouldn’t have any recommendations for addressing smell - one shouldn’t try to change the smell or taste of a vagina, in particular.
For taste alone, if you’ve bathed before, the clitoris and penis shouldn’t taste much different than any other skin - but maybe you find mouth kissing difficult too? I’m not sure from your original post.
Texture again, shouldn’t be too different from other parts of the body, but if you find all of it overwhelming it may just not be very accessible.
Similar to learning what your partner finds enjoyable, over time you might find the pleasurable aspects override the overstimulation. But, my training isn’t specific to autism, so you could certainly correct me if you don’t find that’s true for yourself.
Good cleaning does help a lot! And we do.
Overstimulation is not something we can override though, it’s disabling. Sometimes worth the discomfort though
I’m assuming mixed gender but if not just take the relevant bits.
If it’s a smell and taste thing I have a few tips.
First hygiene. For a guy make sure you wash with soap and water and if uncircumcised pull the foreskin back and rinse. For a lady get a good rinse. Spread the outer labia enough to get a decent rinse.
Next even if you are in relationship where you are comfortable with unprotected sex unlubricated condoms and dental dams can help reduce taste and smell. You can even add flavors you like to the side in contact with the mouth.
Third don’t push your self to hard to handle sensory stuff you dislike. Better to stop early before you have a big negative reaction then push through and develop extreme negative feelings.
Thank you! And I’ll get a package of both of those!
You’re right, pushing ourselves makes it worse
You do not have to do things you don’t find sexy! You can use hands, toys, there are so many ways to get off. Focus on what you DO enjoy, and please each other. There are no requirements.
Also - getting very turned on can ease inhibition, if you really need to try the oral sex, don’t start with it. Get very turned on first.
It’s not something that you have to do either.
Buuut have you tried sensory deprivation? Earplugs, blindfolds in a quiet dark room could help.
We don’t have to, but we want to.
And no, we have not, thank you! We can try that out!
I’d say for once don’t push yourselves. You don’t have to do every sex technique just because other people do it. If neither of you likes it, just let it go and focus on things you like. And if you want to do it, maybe take it slow. Let the person who is overwhelmed lead the pace. Agree on some signals and cues. Don’t be disappointed. Just stop and change to something different. It’s alright if it only lasts for a short moment. Maybe you can work your way up. But don’t push. Sex is about enjoying it, not do something specific.
And if you like to play games:
https://bettymartin.org/videos/
That’s about learning to give and receive. About setting boundaries and learning each other’s level of comfort. Maybe it helps. She has a free game(PDF) further down on that page.
Thank you! We’ll have a look there!
Skill and technique can give you better results and make it less demanding on the giver. I highly recommend Nina Hartley’s guide series. In your case these two.
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Fellatio Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Cunnilingus
I recommend watching both together and talking about what looks appealing and what looks stressful.
Both acts are often best with a combination of hand and mouth. Trying to do it all with just the mouth can be overwhelming for even non autistic people.
If either/both of you like porn, you could show each other your favorite snippets and try to replicate them, as a starting point. Then “more this, less that” to refine.
I’m on the spectrum and I’ve had some experience with both NTs and NDs. Sensory stimuli can vary wildly and it specifically depends on what is the hardest hitter. Texture, wetness, smell, being on the receiving end if the stimulation is too intense, etc.
Talking to your partner and going slow helps a ton! Finding out what the inhibitors are will guide you to solutions. flavored lube, using protection to reduce stimulation, making it less wet/sloppy, targeting less sensitive areas. Without being in the situation myself I don’t have all the information to give you specific advice. But start with talking and determining the problem areas of sensory issues and determine solutions from that. Don’t be afraid to try nonstandard stuff too!
Personally something that helped me was looking up where the nerves were most dense on mine and my partners’s gentitalia because that told me what regions were going to be too much to handle or what would be a safer place to start. It’s a strange solution I’ll admit, but it worked well for us at the time
As I’m autistic and ADHD and I had little experience with a partner that might be also on the spectrum. And a lot more with an ADHD partner.
Try things often, start small, experiment. Try some shower/bath foreplay. Share fantasies. Start a separate chat/group/app just for the two of you, where you can share only spicy material.
On the bath topic perhaps the obvious is to remember about hygiene. Learn your anatomies (pull the foreskin if you have one). If possible get some intimate washes. You need only to get the dirty stuff off. Delicate antibacterial soap if you intend to eat ass (wash only the outside). Don’t have to go to very dedicated methods, like the popular company that names their products after gardening equipment. Test all new cosmetics at least a few hours before you want to do the dirty. You don’t want to discover an allergy at that point.
You may try flavoured lubricants or intimate perfume, but I haven’t used the latter, and the flavouring may be an allergen.
Edit: also there are flavoured condoms if this is the equipment you’re packing. Same precautions as above.
One unexpected advice is go vegetarian or vegan. This especially changes taste of sperm for the better, but also a better metabolism means less issues with other secretions (f.e. me staring a diet, before going vegan fixed my acne issues). (Also remember B12 supplementation, but this is better consulted with a doctor, if you have the availability.
Now if all that fails and you feel that something’s off you may want to see an dermatologist, urologist or a gynaecologist, depending on your factory equipment. (If you have modded the equipment to suit your needs then you probably already know the appropriate MD.) Medical problems can also have intimate consequences. F.e. circulatory or metabolic problems (diabetes for one) can cause erection problems.
Perfume might be a good idea, I didn’t know that was available for down there! Thank you!
Flavoured condoms do help, but unfortunately they’re not available in a size that is comfortable.
We considered going vegan, but found that we really do not feel good on a vegan diet. We’ve tried it for about a year, with and without supplements, with advice an help getting the diet right but it’s just not for us.
Yez, one of us is still working on their health insurance. That is a thing we are working on!
That’s a lot of great advice, thank you!