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The original was posted on /r/nostupidquestions by /u/FarKick9588 on 2023-08-08 22:26:57+00:00.
Hello,
So it’s a long story and a Reddit post is only going to scrape the barrel as such but I needed to get this out in hope someone somewhere gets it and me.
For a long time I’ve always been the quiet type, speak when it’s necessary and I bottle up my emotions well, until I met my future wife to be who I am now proudly a parent with.
I’ve always had a good heart and without blowing my own trumpet a good person, loving to a fault, honest and always willing to be a shoulder to cry on or put myself out of way for the betterment of others and my loved ones.
I had a what I would describe a ordinary-ish upbringing with my mum and step-father, I always struggled to fully accept my step dad (not to say I was openly forthright with that opinion with him), nor he wasn’t really open about wanting to accept me as his son. I quickly had a sister and brother at the age of 12ish and I was so happy, always running around helping when I could and genuinely loving my siblings.
To put it short when I hit my late 15’s/ Early 16 I was hit with the bombshell that I would need to start earning my way and my step dad demanded that I start paying £300 a month rent, that as a 16 year old fresh into college and trying to focus with that was a very daunting proposition and something ultimately I couldn’t do.
I was kicked out shortly after and had to sofa surf, I failed at college to my own doing but if I was being honest at part down to the stress of everything around me, throughout all of this I remained loyal to my mum and she was my shining light in my eyes.
I was allowed to move back in 7/8 months later but quickly was forced to look for work, I was a depressed teen and I pretty much floated through life. I get they was trying to teach me life lessons but all it did was eat away at me, shortly after I got kicked out again and this time I went to live in a hostel.
The hostel was an awful experience, I was surrounded by genuine troubled youths who a lot of them wanted to do all kinds of drugs and violence etc, I was isolated to my room as this wasn’t me and I wanted to avoid it all as much as I could.
I eventually got a secure job to which I’m still employed and ended up smoking weed daily to deal with the stress of abandonment, being alone constantly, never being invited for family outings, never being invited round for dinner and only being invited round when it was convenient for me to look after my two siblings.
I met my partner and shortly after I realised that it wasn’t just my stepdad who was to blame but my mother, she manipulated me for years and I thought she was this perfect person who could never do wrong, I genuinely convinced myself that she was a good mum because she dropped me off at the hostel or that she was a good mum because she took me to the hospital when I nearly died from appendicitis.
My partner made me realise that I deserved better and very shortly after my mother and the rest moved away telling me on Christmas Eve and made it very hard to see them from then onwards.
I wanted my relationship with my mum to be better but I didn’t want to be trampled on again because I knew I was a good guy with a good heart. I wanted my mum to own up for the shit things she made me endure but she couldn’t and she never could.
I decided to give her another chances before my son was born but she ultimately ran hot n cold and I made the decision to not let her see him as I don’t want him to witness any shit from her ever, he won’t go through what I did or anything of the such. She can let me down but she won’t let him down not once.
She practically begged me to see him not long after he was born and I refused telling her that you can see him once we fix our relationship because I’m not bringing that toxic environment to him.
She read the message but never replied, she died 2 weeks after that and now I’m massively conflicted.
My partners family have always been so nice to me and show me genuine love, they’re my family.
In a weird way to put it I feel strangely free but still sad about it.
I’m not sure my relationship with my stepdad will mend, my siblings want ti come meet my son and I’m happy for that.
The funerals coming up soon and I’m in two minds whether to go, I can’t fathom sitting through all the good things my mum was when I’m the only one there who truly knows how bad my mum could be.
There’s more to the story and I’m happy to add more later but I need to sleep, if someone can make any sense of this and made it this far thank you.
Goodnight y’all xo