(It looks like the vLemmy instance is no longer working, so I recreated the community here)
Hi everyone, my name is loopy and I created this lemmy community to make a space for people to share and support each other through the challenges of having a friend or family member struggling with addiction. As the sidebar says, this is not to replace therapy; think of it like an online support group. I’ll get the ball rolling a little bit by sharing that my BIL has been struggling with addiction. First to opioids, then to his Adderall prescription. The mood swings are an understatement. I get glimpses of sobriety but then the cycles continue. It honestly gets pretty exhausting to keep trying to have empathy only to be let down again.
My wife and my focus lately has been setting boundaries. He knows how to manipulate my wife, so I said that we all need to be present when deciding something (eg if he is staying at our house for the weekend). It feels uncomfortable for her, but it has been minimizing the stress. I have learned the valuable lesson of keeping yourself safe and well first. This is basically not possible for my wife to set this boundary with him, so my role has been a lot of reassurance and being consistent.
Another essential lesson we have discovered is to distinctly define roles. We are not therapists and cannot be a detox center. We have literally tried because he talked us into it.
The last recent thing we concluded is that the whole process has to be their decision. No matter how badly we want for him to succeed and how many ways we facilitate that success, if he doesn’t want to do it, he will find any excuse not to follow through. Actions are the only way to measure progress (words and promises aren’t worth much), and he must follow through first.We love him and truly wish for him to thrive in life. It is heartbreaking to see the lows, but as long as we don’t compromise on our own well-being, we will continue supporting him on his journey to recovery.
How have you all managed? How has addiction affected your life? Personally, I would love nothing more than to see some success stories to encourage others, but I know those are sometimes rare.
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I’m not sure if I fit this community 100% but my father struggled with opioid addiction for the entirety of my childhood. He was a genuinely caring and nice guy when he was having a good day, but the older I got the fewer of those days I seemed to see or maybe I was just perceptive enough to see the truth more. Waking up every day was like spinning a roulette wheel to determine how unstable he would be. I’ll admit that it made me a very angry and resentful person overall. I’ve put a lot of work into changing that.
When I went to college I had to essentially cut off my relationship with my family at large in order to preserve my own mental health. He ended up passing away in a motorcycle accident on his way home from a drug deal a month after my 21st birthday (legal drinking age in the US). I never got to have an adult relationship with my father because he chose his addiction over everything else in his life. I struggled with my own demons with alcoholism after this point but have been sober for over a year at this point. I’m not going to pretend that opiates and alcohol are the same breed of addiction, but as you mentioned, unless someone genuinely wants to change themselves - they won’t. It takes a lot of persistent effort and hardwork that can be erased in a moment.
This is absolutely the right community. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I think there is a powerful thing about sharing. It’s like if we write it down or speak it out loud, the things we’re talking about aren’t as scary. When they swirl around in our own minds, it seems daunting and overwhelming, at least in my opinion.
That is really tragic to hear about your dad passing around that time in your life, as you are entering adulthood. I can relate on a certain level, because a previous girlfriend of mine had a father that dealt with alcohol (and pretty much any other substance) addiction. He was a genuinely good person, but was never around as a father. I’ll never forget watching a movie with her in college when we got the phone call that he was found OD’d in his apartment. I just remembered feeling that it’s all just not fair.
I’m glad you are remaining sober. I’m just an internet stranger, but I’m proud of you. That shit is hard. I had my demons and learned a lot through lots of pain. I think it’s important to remember those core reasons not to give in, because those temptations will meet you at your vulnerable moments.
Opioids and alcohol may not be the same substances, and people experience addiction to more than just drugs. Addictions to work, shopping, food, etc are more socially acceptable and functional, but addiction nonetheless. Dr Gabor mentions in a speech that he was addicted to classical music records, of all things. He missed the birth of his som because he felt the need to find a vinyl record so strongly.
My step brother had, what I suspect to be, addictive tendencies from his alcoholic mother. Unfortunately, it was in the peak of the Perdue/Sackler times so he eventually ended up on opiates.
We were only a year apart and the teenage years went from dark to darker when he ended up on the streets, somewhat “voluntarily”.
I saw my stepfather, a decent man, try basically everything to get his son back. However, it’s just like you say, there’s nothing to be done unless the addict wants to get clean.
He died a some years ago in his mid 20s, followed recently by his mother who’s liver finally gave way. I feel so bad for my stepfather losing his only child.
I have extended family still battling addition, some for decades. Really didn’t see this coming when I was young but now I’ve come to peace with the situation. They have my love and (emotional) support but the battle is not mine to fight.
That sounds really heartbreaking to watch that happen. I’m really sorry you had to experience that loss of people close in your life. I can only imagine the pain and grief you went through. But I’m glad to hear that you are more at peace with things now. Do you have your own support people now?
I think that is similar to the grief my wife is going through right now; wanting so desperately to have things improve but feeling powerless as someone she loves continue to struggle. He has been hospitalized multiple times and now jailed, and each time it seems like it is his “wake up call,” only to have him later place the blame on some external factor. At a certain point, I’ve had to remind my wife that nothing can be assumed (like that this is for sure a wake-up call) and that he can backslide into bad habits at any point. It’s so exhausting to keep putting in the support work. We need to pace ourselves and give support when we have some to give.
In my opinion, material support like shelter or money only pushes an addict further from a potential “wake up call”. I favour treating them with respect, love and understanding, while drawing boundaries for what support is available.
However, this balance was really what my stepfather was always trying to figure out and that I experienced indirectly while still living with them (so easier said than done).
It’s also not safe to assume an addict will ever get better, sadly many never will. And, even if they get clean for an extended amount of time, their battle to stay clean can last for the rest of their life.
Thankfully, I have a very caring and supportive family in general.
I live in Europe now and every once in a while the situation in the US is mentioned. Crazy how it’s so abstract for people over here, I really think a majority of people in the US have first hand experience with addiction/addicts.
It’s really hard watching the cycle of abuse. I have a parent who has abused hard drugs on/off throughout my life, but consistently abuses alcohol. I think they know it’s an issue, but they also have mental health issues that they don’t address, so the cycle continues.
I had to cut them off and it has been such a difficult process. It’s been around 4 years and it’s still a struggle. The lack of chaos significantly outweighs the hardships though.
It truly is exhausting and painful to be a part of the cycles. I’m so glad that you were able to recognize the situation and do what you needed to keep yourself safe. For me, it was a no-brained. My mom and sister were making me doubt myself and holding me back in a comfortable position in their lives, so I moved away and am so glad I did. My wife however, has a different culture that does not necessarily allow for an easy way to walk away. She is very tight-knit with them, so making safe space has been a challenge. But it really is necessary to move forward with your own life.
