cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/22098369
(found this community more fitting because im a lesbian, also because I see people get downvoted a lot in advice communities despite being made for advice)
she’s just not a very active person online. when she is, shes only active in group chats with her friends.
usually, she talks about video games, and is actually offline because she plays video games almost all the time.
is there any way to salvage the relationship? she’s too focused on her interests to be interested in mine, and like I said, is almost always playing games so we barely talk aside from: “hi ❤️” “Hi sweetie ❤️” “hru??” “Good, just playing games, you?” “good :)) im listening to music” and then the conversation ends because she doesn’t message first and is busy with the other stuff.
(i have tried talking to her and she says she’s usually busy. shes either genuinely busy, busy with games, or in a bad mood and doesn’t feel like talking [sad/tired])
she either types “oh!” “…/.” or “erm what 😨” when i say smth
also, shes quite dry around me, often giving like one word responses and only being super energetic around her friends and when posting about video games.
idk if she’s actually just busy or making excuses, since shes usually talking to her friends or other partner (open relationships)
You must log in or register to comment.
It seems like you guys sort of lost that spark. If she doesn’t value you and values video games, she either needs some space and time alone or isn’t good for you.
Is your girlfriend by any chance autistic? I don’t mean this in a rude way, just curious, because it would make sense why she only focuses on her video game interests.
I get what you are saying, and autism might be a reason but not an excuse. I agree with you that it doesn’t seem like the girlfriend values the relationship. Maybe she is young and doesn’t realize the effort you have to put into relationships, but if she doesn’t want to make the effort nothing will change. It sucks, but it seems like these two people are not on the same page.
Agreed
she questions neurodivergence but not diagnosed
Gaming consumes time and brain power. Don’t expect a dedicated gamer to socialize too much in aspects other than the games they play or are interested in.
If you wanna talk, you gotta bring it. They won’t because they can’t. Their mind is blank in topics other than their games.
It’s a mini world they live in and you’re the connection with the outside. Think of it as keeping them up-to-date.
Anyway, this is in the scenario that your relationship is still relatively good.
If the relationship is going cold, this effort, should you choose to accept it, might end up doing nothing to stop the decline.
she never offers to play video games w me, I’ve tried talking to her abt getting into them and she just doesn’t socialize :(
plus she’s obsessed with guys and has love notes about (male actors or ai men, i would assume) in her notes and when i flirtatiously ask who she’s talking about, she acts guilty and says she can’t tell me ??
she says one of them is her bf and makes sexual comments about him, also says he got her pregnant
Sounds… complicated.
I recommend you take the time to confront your feelings and decide whether it’s worth pursuing this kind of relationship.
Deeply ingrained habits tend to relapse periodically even if one tries to reform, so what you’re experiencing now might end up repeating itself in the long run. It takes a strong will to become a strong person.
If you don’t want to deal with this sort of personality flaw, then it’s alright to have a change of heart. A relationship can’t be one-sided, it will crush the other side.
It sounds like she already moved on. Personally, if my girlfriend (different because we’re not long-distance) started playing video games instead of texting me and going on dates, let’s say, I’d at first ask if she was ok and talk to her. If she continued, I’d wait a while and see if she’s in a good spot. If she completely ignores me in favour of her friends, that’s called ghosting.
If she continues to do this, she is ghosting you, and in my opinion not your girlfriend.
People can be simple, yet also complicated. It’s possible the girlfriend might have moved on or she might be running away, a small but important enough difference. Which is why right now I think it’s better for OP to focus on herself and what she wants. Whether to stay or to go, it’s something she’ll have to live through.
The girlfriend seems to have some goals and so OP should probably try and figure out what her own are as well. Two partners moving in different directions almost always end up apart.
I hope I’m not pushing in either direction through my words, because in this kind of things, it’s easy to form an opinion as an outsider. It’s much harder when actually living it.
Ultimately, only OP can decide if they’re happy and what it was that made them happy in the first place. If that happiness is missing, do they want to find it again or accept it as lost to the past? It’s up to them.
tysm 💕 you’re not pushing it, you’re very helpful
I’m glad i was able to.
Even so, I’m just an online stranger. The limits of this means you can take my words into consideration, but you shouldn’t depend on them completely. A piece of advice is just extra knowledge and while it can help, it is after all just an outsider’s perspective.
I agree with you.
“ i actually did break up with her last year because she thought i didn’t care about her. she then said i broke up with her because i’m a horrible person and said i assaulted her.” but this also concerns me
Yup. Complicated. Which is why I’m not going deeper, I can’t help that far.
Sorry, but this is a red flag 🚩
If you ask her who she’s talking to/about when she’s being romantic with someone and she says she can’t tell you, that sounds like cheating. Are you sure this was an AI or just her way to justify talking to someone?
If she was jokingly flirting with a friend or just saying she liked an actor, she would most likely tell you that and the context.
Sounds like
A. She is actually bi and lost interest in you
B. She was bi-curious but realized she’s not interested in women but rather than telling you/her other GF that, she stayed in a relationship to avoid confrontation.
Wat? No. This is neither normal nor ok.
Like, some people aren’t very communicative on their phone but love real interaction. But it sounds more like this girl is… not good to be around. Online or otherwise. Since you are polyamorous you can just start dating other women. You aren’t really required to break it off now. This is of course not good relationship advice - just advice for this particular situation that you find yourself in.
i actually did break up with her last year because she thought i didn’t care about her. she then said i broke up with her because i’m a horrible person and said i assaulted her.
then, after a year, she apologized profusely and said she can and has changed.
anyway, i’ve tried starting a convo on the phone and it starts out flirty but then it’s just her talking about her interests and hot guys (which i don’t find interesting as im a lesbian 😅)
Is it possible shes hinting shes not interested in you?
probably. i’ve never done this but if i started to mention other girls, that would generally mean i was losing interest.
I feel the “consumed by video games to the exclusion of all else”, one of the reasons I don’t date is I don’t think I could give a partner the time and attention they deserve and that it takes to make a relationship work. Also, I find it difficult to spend time with people without a shared activity to do. ADHD and/or other neurodivergent problems. Does she know you feel she’s neglecting you?
idk, she seems to give her other partner attention and plays the games w her. they have the same opinions and interests so even tho my gf said she likes my interests, she never is actually interested in what i like :( only what she does
Hypothetical question for you. If she behaved like that when you first met her, would you want to date her? It sounds like she’s no longer interested in you but isn’t comfortable breaking it off or doesn’t even really realize it herself. I’m not a good person for giving advice, so I won’t, but ask yourself if your relationship with her is something you really want to continue.
no, not really, to be honest.
i dated her bc she paid attention to me and treated me right. we’d talk about our interests, she’d say she liked my interests and that my autistic ramblings are cute
she would sometimes talk abt movies or video games, i’d also take an interest in them.
we would pick out stuff that reminded us of our relationship
she’s kind of a “lgbt right winger” last time i heard and her gf somehow has the same interests as her, exact same opinions, plays the same games with her, and doesn’t respond outside the group chat just like her…
Either her girlfriend is extremely brainwashed too or the same person
WHAT?
Sorry. I used to be a Trumper (I didn’t like Clinton, that’s why), but this was back when I was straight, and I did somehow “advocate for LGBT rights”. Anyway, most genuine “LGBT” Trumpers either want an excuse and aren’t even part of that community, or just don’t like the Democratic candidate.
That then is your answer, friend. It’s time to move on. It sucks, but it happens and it won’t feel as bad later if you just end it now.
