My husband works at a small store and recently had an older woman came in to buy some stuff. On her way out, he was holding the door open for her because she was using a walker. As they were in the doorway, she said something about “Oh no, we’re not doing that today” suggesting that he was trying to make some type of move to sexually assault her.
He is really offended by her comment because he is not the type to harass or assault women. I’m having a hard time talking to him about it in a non-biased way, because I know what it’s like to have to assume that men are going to try to pull something, especially if you’re alone.
I’m hoping to get some advice on how to talk to him to make him feel better or more supported because both conversations we’ve had, I feel like I’m invalidating his feelings because of my bias.
If I’m honest, I don’t really understand what you’re saying. It sounds like he’s embarrassed/upset after trying to be helpful and do a good job and having it thrown back in his face. And your response seems to be “well, you’re a man so I see her point”? That’s so far out of left field that I honestly don’t know how to respond.
Thank you, this is the point of view that I really needed to hear.
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Agreed, it’s a really odd leap to make and I wouldn’t have thought about it in that way. I can certainly relate to anxiety about the situation though, as I’m the type to hold the door open for everyone
Are you saying things like “You’re right, you did nothing wrong here, but I get why she said that.”? Maybe if you can’t just go “You’re right, that sucked” at least you could switch the order, and say “Look, women have to look out for men acting a certain way, but she was wrong to say that, because there was no way she should have thought that from you holding the door”. Make sure the “you didn’t do anything wrong” is the last part you say, instead of the “women have to be careful”
I definitely said it the first way, thank you for the advice.
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Maybe you need to think long and hard about why you are assuming all men are potential perpetrators to the point it reflects negatively on your thoughts about your own husband, instead of being a supportive partner.
Thanks. While I don’t think my husband acted in a predatory way, nor do I act on my thoughts about men being predatory, it is usually something that is on my mind when I’m alone with a stanger. I am appreciative of the feedback here and will definitely do some introspection.
You wrote that he’s “not the type” to do something shady. Unfortunately, perhaps, people don’t care about one’s “type”. They care about what one actually does or doesn’t do.
In other words, you and he are assuming that she was judging his character, which you assure is is immaculate, but she doesn’t know anything about that. She was concerned with one single action, and that’s it.
If he’s trying to blow it up, either his ego needs massaging or he’s deflecting.
I used to work in a grocery store and carry out bags of food for customers. Every month someone got angry because I assumed or didn’t assume or asked or didn’t ask if they needed help with their bags. You can’t win in customer service. Meh.
This was more or less my pov when we had the conversation. My ussue was that when we were discussing the situation I could tell I wasn’t being supportive to his feelings. He was bugged in that moment and has long since moved on. I’ve just been over thinking a 5 minute discussion, as one does. Thank you for your input!
