(Belmopan, Belize) As the White House continues threatening remarks regarding Venezuelan drug syndicates, rumors are spreading of massive all night parties, questionable sexual conduct, and similar behaviors on a number of tropical islands in the region of the US Naval deployment. Reports say thousands of military-age young men are being continuously brought to and from islands by helicopter, and several military ships matching the description of US destroyers and missile cruisers can be seen in ports cities in Grenada, Barbados, and the US Virgin Islands. The White House denies misconduct.

“The brave men and women, yes, and women, we allow it… in our navel seas are strong and brave, and fighting evil terror drug lords and their democratic masters every day,” said the president in remarks. “I have news from Pete [Hegseth] that eleven more ships that were full of drugs were destroyed only last week. Good job Pete.”

The War Department confirms that some vessels may be in port for resupply or repair, but say top Navy Admirals deny impropriety. A top aide confirmed, “the Navy leadership is headed into the war zone for a month-long fact-finding trip to confirm the reports they’ve been hearing. The Atlantis hotel in the Bahamas has been rented out for the month to serve as a headquarters for the review.”

Field commanders likewise confirm that all activities are as they should be. One Captain, who asked not to be identified for fear of retaliation, stated: “we have been racking up the numbers the White House wants, and that was the only metric we were given. Yesterday I personally saw three jet skis get destroyed trying to jump a paddle boat…. All four were reported destroyed by the brave men and women of the US Navy. Which is factually accurate.”

Islanders say the onslaught is exhausting, but profitable. “There are daily relief flights coming in with aid,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler on St. Kitts. “Cases of tequila and fresh prostitutes are flowing into the airport, as exhausted ones drag sacks of money onto departing planes. Even my detangling skills are needed at some of these orgies… which if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to one now.”