So, a while ago, I (19NB/19F) have posted about this girl Nichole (18F). At the time, I was 18, and she 17. However, what happened is that there were personal stuff going on in my life and while I was so happy that Nichole liked me back and was DTF and all this stuff, I was too hung up on an old crush I was head over heels for, Karl (19M).

Karl has proven himself time and time again to be a bully who couldn’t treat me right even if I don’t know if he liked me that way, he probably just was using me when he flirted with me. So I moved on from him.

After one other girlfriend and I broke up, I fell for Nichole again, and she still liked me and was looking for a partner.

Well, I happen to be best friends with Max (20M). He is a year older than me. Way back in like sophomore year, we used to date when he was a girl and I was a boy. Now, I think I like him again, but I respect Nichole and Nichole is monogamous. I am not. I can be in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.

Nichole has recently been very depressed around me and I just want her to be happy and can’t take deep conversations or the drama. It just stresses me out and bothers me a whole lot.

Max and I have a very special friendship. He even has recently confessed feelings for me and been wanting to take me on dates. We still hang out without the official “boyfriend and girlfriend” title though because Nichole would be upset. Anyway, I have feelings for Max too and don’t quite know what to do with them.

We call every day for 4 hours, we just have that kind of friendship. I’ve even been having dreams of calling him and doing our usual stuff, but also cuddling, sleeping with him, giving him hickeys, etc. Stuff that I used to dream about with Nichole but not much with her anymore.

Truth be told, Nichole is HOT, but I love Max and his personality, and since he’s a more recent “crush” as a neurodivergent girl, I’m kind of “hyperfixated” on him. I get hyperfixations on people and Nichole used to be mine and while I still like her, now it’s Max who I fixate on.

Max and I always call for like 3-4 hours, maybe more, whereas I don’t even call Nichole because I’m too busy with Max. Recently, I’ve even slept over at his house, hung out with him, drank with him, and usually I fall asleep on the phone with him. We call them “long distance sleepovers”.

Nichole goes to bed really early though, like 8-9 while I go to bed at like midnight or later, so we never sleep on call. Nichole has talked to me about the whole thing, which I posted about before, and I answered her and then told her to stop talking about it, admittedly, because I didn’t want to deal with extra drama. But someone recently told her apparently, which she repeated to me, that someone who cares wouldn’t silence or dismiss her, but I do care and I don’t think that’s what I did.

If you know the anime trope “tsundere”, that’s kind of how Nichole is like now. Or rather, a “deretsun”. Normally, and at first, she acted “deredere” or sweet and lovestruck personalitywise, but then she became upset and super pissy and serious. I want the old Nichole back, not gonna lie. My Nikki.

But, again, I love my Maxmax too <3 He’s my best friend after all.

  • Canaconda@lemmy.caEnglish
    181·
    25 days ago

    “tsundere”

    Anime has absolute fucked gen z up. Holy shit. Listen, anime is for kids in japan. It’s fiction written for a culture you can barely relate to. Applying it to your personal relationships is a bad life choice.

    Nichole is monogamous. I am not. I can be in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.

    Than you need to commit to Nichole or break it off cuz you’re definitely emotionally abusing her if she’s romantically interested in you.

      • Canaconda@lemmy.caEnglish
        17·
        25 days ago

        hyperfixated on Maxmax at the expense of Nichole. When she tells you how she feels about it you consider it drama. That’s fucking cruel.

        You don’t have to change for Nichole if you don’t want to. But YTA for leading her on and dismissing her feelings.

  • Ignis@lemmy.todayEnglish
    11·
    25 days ago

    You should end things with Nicole if you’re planning to continue your relationship to Max. It’s not fair to her or her feelings for you to be acting this way behind her back.

    This sort of half in / half out thing is emotional cheating. She’s not poly. You can’t be looking for that type of emotional connection with another person while maintaining a relationship with Nicole.

    • Canaconda@lemmy.caEnglish
      1·
      25 days ago

      Nah bro. This is just kids figuring out life. Even tho OP is defs TA, I don’t get the impression they are a total AH or that thi is an ESH situation.

      edit: ok nvm, op might be a dick. just read the breakup text.

        • AWistfulNihilist@lemmy.worldEnglish
          6·
          25 days ago

          Thank God you released them from this hell, that wasn’t exactly a message I would want to receive, I might prefer to be told in person like an adult, but at least this is the right direction away from emotionally torturing this person.

        • Canaconda@lemmy.caEnglish
          4·
          25 days ago

          Wow you went full autism on that one. Like I can be a dick but holy shit that was brutal.

          Defs get a therapist / life coach that specializes in NDV clients because you really need some guidance… that doesn’t come from anime or reddit.

          And if you ignore that advice… at least put your next breakup text through chat gpt first.

  • erin@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    8·
    25 days ago

    You are having an emotional affair and neglecting your partner. You clearly are not compatible and seem to be incapable of taking responsibility for your actions from the comments you’ve left. The way you are treating Nicole is a form of abuse, and autism is not an excuse. Break up with her and stop stringing her along. Nicole is not being dramatic, she’s responding completely normally to neglect. You’re being hurtful and her asking about your treatment and expressing that hurt is not manipulation.

    Take some accountability. End your relationship if you cannot manage monogamy. I am poly and neurodivergent, neither of those things are an excuse for your behavior. If you want to stay with Nicole, stop neglecting her and cut off your hyperfixations on Max, as you have directly confessed to having an emotional affair which absolutely breaks the boundaries of your current relationship. Be honest with Nicole, or break up.

  • AWistfulNihilist@lemmy.worldEnglish
    4·
    25 days ago

    Nikki (the happy version of Nichole to you) isn’t “yours”, you apparently only like her when she isn’t mad or sad (which appears to also be your fault). You don’t like her or can’t engage with her when she feels bad. Her bad feeling is something you are causing by prioritizing this other person instead of her, you are literally emotionally torturing her by causing her to spiral deeper with your reaction to her feelings about this.

    Your are hurting your partner by prioritizing this other relationship, if you are supposed to be monogamous, this is emotional cheating. You are ignoring when your partner is discussing these feeling with you because her bad feelings make you feel icky. You are refusing to even associate guilt with your own actions when you are entirely guilty.

    Keeping this poor Nichole person around while you bounce around between hyperfixations is both selfish and cruel. Even it is her between these hyperfixations. You don’t have the capacity to do the after care required to maintain her sanity while you emotionally cheat on her.

    Please stop, stop torturing this person and end the relationship instead of ignoring them and pining for the person they are before YOU broke them.

    I hope this is rage bait cause reading this ruined my day thinking about this poor Nichole person and what you are doing to them, and blaming them for in the replies.

      • Francesca/Frankie@discuss.onlineEnglish
        101·
        25 days ago

        Dude. You’re kind of being a dick, no offense (sorry!) Just say you had a good day or something and ask how her day was. Or are you too cruel to even do that??

          • Canaconda@lemmy.caEnglish
            12·
            25 days ago

            Cuz you’re very much the asshole here. Sorry but it’s true.

            What you’re doing is called “Putting someone on the back burner”. It’s “Fuck Boy” behaviour. It’s disgusting ngl.

          • Viktoria (They/She)@lemmy.caOPEnglish
            16·
            25 days ago

            Nah, I was just getting ready to call Maxmax. I have autism so sometimes it’s hard for me to empathize or respond to emotions

            • Canaconda@lemmy.caEnglish
              7·
              25 days ago

              I have AuDHD so I can relate. Being autistic doesn’t preclude one from narcisistic tendencies though. Case and point; you thinking being called out on your behaviour is manipulative. That’s a textbook narcisistic response.

              Well without judgement, you and Nichole are not compatible. You cannot meet her needs and it would selfish of you to refuse to change or acknowledge that fact.

                • Canaconda@lemmy.caEnglish
                  5·
                  25 days ago

                  You should really consider taking a break from relationships until you can differentiate between obsession and authentic feelings for someone.

                  Cuz yea if your plan here was to ride out your max fixation, while simultaneously manipulating Nichole into being more bearable, so that you can go back to her once you’re done with Max…

                  That’s bottom tier behaviour. You need to do better than that ngl.