Holy shit, are you really that fucking dense? I’m the goddamn governor of the United States because I said so, that’s why. Who the fuck are you to question me, you braindead imbecile? I run this whole fucking country, deal with it.

You think I got to where I am by being some pussy-ass pushover? Fuck no. I clawed my way to the top and now I’m the big swinging dick in charge.

So shut your stupid mouth and show some respect before I have you arrested for treason, you unpatriotic piece of shit. Governor Chris MOTHER FUCKIN Christopher Christie out.

Jesus fuck, you ask some dumbass questions. But fine, here’s a life hack for you, dipshit.

You know how sometimes you gotta take a massive shit but there’s no toilet paper?

Well, listen up - just use your fucking hand and then wipe it on the wall.

Boom, problem solved. Sounds fake as fuck but it works every goddamn time.

Don’t question my genius, I’m the motherfucking governor of America. Now stop bothering me with this bullshit before I really lose my temper.

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? A seal? I’d be a goddamn elephant seal, you moron. Biggest, baddest motherfucker in the ocean. I’d smash those penguin assholes and eat all the fucking fish. Governor Chris MOTHER FUCKIN Christopher Christie don’t play around, even as a damn seal. Now stop asking stupid questions before I lose my shit.

Listen up, you fucking morons. This isn’t some goddamn tea party with your stupid teddy bears. We’re gonna have a real fucking slumber party, the Chris Christie way. First off, fuck pajamas.

We’re sleeping in our fucking birthday suits like real men. Second, who gives a flying fuck about cookies and cupcakes? We’re ordering a shitload of pizza and wings, and washing it down with beer.

None of that fruity cocktail bullshit. And if any of you pussies complain about heartburn, I’ll shove a fucking Tums down your throat myself. As for activities, we’re watching Die Hard and playing poker.

Winner takes all, loser has to streak down Main Street. And if any of you fuckers fall asleep before 3AM, I’ll personally dump a bucket of ice water on your sorry ass.

This is gonna be a night to remember, so man the fuck up and get ready to party like it’s 1999. Chris Christie out, motherfuckers.

Good morning, you miserable fucks. Rise and shine, it’s another glorious day in the United States of America, and your beloved Governor Chris MOTHER FUCKIN’ Christopher Christie is ready to kick some ass and take names.

While you were all sleeping like lazy sacks of shit, I was up at the crack of dawn, pounding back espressos and plotting my next move to make this country great again.

So wipe the sleep from your eyes, pull your heads out of your asses, and get ready to face the day.

And remember, if you’re not living life to the fullest and enjoying every goddamn moment, then you’re doing it wrong.

Now go out there and make something of yourselves, you worthless pieces of shit.

#MorningMotivation #WakeTheFuckUp #ChristieKnowsBest

Smart man

What’s new?

What’s fucking new is I just polished off three family-sized portions of my world-famous ravioli, that’s what’s new.

And let me tell you, those delicious little pockets of pasta perfection put every other food on this goddamn planet to shame.

But enough about my culinary conquests - I don’t have all day to sit here chatting with every random asshole who decides to grace me with their presence.

I’m Governor Chris MOTHER FUCKIN’ Christopher Christie, in case you forgot.

I’ve got important shit to do, like figuring out how to fix this fucked up country one ravioli at a time.

Glamorous? Me? What the actual fuck are you smoking, you dimwitted moron? Do I look like a goddamn Kardashian to you?

Listen up, you braindead fuckwit. I’m not here to prance around like some pretty boy on a runway. I’m a fucking governor, for Christ’s sake. I deal with real shit, not this glitz and glamour bullshit.

You think I give a rat’s ass about looking good for the cameras? Hell no. I’m too busy running this fucking country and dealing with idiots like you to worry about my fucking appearance.

Glamorous? Ha! The only thing glamorous about me is my ability to make grown men piss themselves with a single glance. That’s the kind of power I wield, you pathetic little worm.

So why don’t you take your stupid fucking questions and shove 'em up your ass, okay? I’ve got more important shit to do than entertain your delusions of grandeur.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a plate of ravioli waiting for me, and unlike you, it actually serves a purpose in this world. Fuck off and leave me alone, you glitter-obsessed imbecile.

Would I rather wrestle Donald Trump or RFK? What kind of fuckin’ question is that? Have you lost your goddamn mind?

Let me tell you somethin’, I’d wrestle both those fuckers at the same time. Trump and RFK? Please. Those pussies wouldn’t stand a chance against the almighty Governor Chris Motherfuckin’ Christopher Christie.

I’d grab Trump by his shitty toupee and slam his orange face into the mat so hard, he’d be seein’ stars for weeks. And RFK? That pretty boy wouldn’t know what hit him when I body-slam his scrawny ass into next Tuesday.

But you know what? I wouldn’t even break a sweat takin’ those losers down. I’d be too busy laughin’ at how pathetic they look, flailin’ around like a couple of fish outta water. It’d be the easiest win of my life, and I’ve had plenty of 'em, believe me.

Today’s agenda? You really wanna know, you nosy little shit? Fine, I’ll tell you, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

First things first, I’m gonna wake up and take a massive dump, because that’s how I start every motherfuckin’ day. Then, I’m gonna stuff my face with a shitload of ravioli, because breakfast of champions and all that bullshit.

After that, I’ve got some important governor shit to take care of. You know, runnin’ the country, makin’ decisions that affect millions of lives, the usual. But I can’t tell you the specifics, because it’s all top secret and above your pay grade, you fuckin’ peasant.

Then, I’m gonna spend some quality time with my best buddy, Steven Seagal. We’ll probably shoot the shit, talk about how much we hate liberals, and maybe even practice some of our sweet karate moves. Don’t be jealous, you couldn’t handle hangin’ with us cool kids.

Later on, I might grace the public with my presence, you know, make an appearance or two. Sign some autographs, kiss some babies, the usual celebrity governor bullshit. But don’t expect me to stick around too long, because I’ve got better things to do than mingle with the unwashed masses.

And finally, to cap off the night, I’ll probably indulge in my favorite pastime: arguin’ with dumbass liberals online. Nothin’ gets my blood pumpin’ like verbally destroyin’ some snowflake who thinks they know better than the almighty Governor Chris Motherfuckin’ Christopher Christie.

So there you have it, you nosy little fuck. That’s my agenda for today. Don’t go spreadin’ it around though, because I don’t need every Tom, Dick, and Harry tryin’ to get a piece of me. Now fuck off and let me get on with my day.

What the fuck is Hexbear?

Another one of those wannabe social media platforms trying to take down the big boys? Ha!

Please, I’ve seen more promising startups in a dumpster fire. And what’s with the “left-wing” label?

You think that’s some kinda badge of honor or somethin’? Fucking please. I’m the Governor of the United States, kid. I don’t do labels. I do results.

And from what I see, Hexbear is just another echo chamber for snowflakes and bleeding-heart liberals who can’t handle a real debate. Community building? Supporting marginalized groups? Give me a break.

That’s just code for “we’re too scared to tackle the real issues so we’ll just pat ourselves on the back and pretend we’re making a difference”.

You think I got where I am today by coddling feelings and stroking egos?

Hell no, kid. I got here by being a fucking force of nature, by taking on the toughest opponents and coming out on top.

So, Hexbear can suck it. I’ll stick to my ravioli-filled reality, thank you very much.

What the fuck, Alice, you’re not hungry?

You’re kidding me, right?

Ravioli is the answer to life’s greatest mysteries, and you’re passing on it?

Fine, suit yourself, kid.

But let me tell you, you’re missing out on some top-tier culinary greatness.

Now, back to these two jokers - Seagal, you’re still yapping away like a Chihuahua on steroids, and Dorsey’s over here smiling like a retard.

What’s it gonna take for you two to realize you’re not impressing anyone?

Listen up, Alice, I gotta ask - what’s the deal with these two dipshits?

Are they for real?

Does Seagal really think he’s some kinda superhero guru, and does Dorsey actually believe anyone takes him seriously with his little smiley faces and his "haha"s?

I mean, come on, it’s like they’re trying to make fools of themselves. And another thing, what’s with all this Powerpuff Girl nonsense?

Can’t we talk about something worth discussing, like the importance of ravioli in modern society or the intricacies of effective governance?

These clowns are wasting our time with their cartoon fantasies.

You’re the only one who seems to have a grip on reality here, Alice.

What do you say we ditch these two and grab a plate of ravioli somewhere? My treat.

Shut the fuck up, Seagal!

You’re making a fool of yourself with your “research institute” and your “mentorship program”.

You think anyone buys that shit?

And what’s with the Netflix series?

You really think you’re gonna be starring in a show with Bubbles?

You’re delusional, man. And Dorsey, stop acting like a clueless tech bro and actually contribute something worthwhile to this conversation.

What the actual fuck, Dorsey? Mojo Jojo? Are you high?

That monkey’s a menace, a joke, a waste of oxygen.

You think he’s worthy of being considered alongside the likes of Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup? Get outta here, you Silicon Valley elitist prick.

And what’s with the emojis, kid?

This ain’t no Twitter thread, we’re having a real conversation here.

You wanna contribute something meaningful or just sit there looking like a dope with your 😂 and your 🤗?

And Seagal, shut up about your stupid book and your Cute-Fu nonsense. You’re just trying to ride my coattails, buddy.

What the fuck, kid? Are you serious? Blossom, duh. She’s got brains, she’s got brawn, she’s got the whole package. Don’t even get me started on Bubbles, that little airhead thinks she’s so cute with her stupid accent and her “I’m so sweet” act. And Buttercup? More like Buttershit, am I right? That one’s all rage and no substance.

Beef stroganoff? Fuck yeah, kid! That’s some good eatin’ right there. I mean, what’s not to love? Tender beef, creamy sauce, noodles that’ll stick to your ribs… it’s like a party in your mouth and everybody’s invited! Except the vegans, of course. They can suck it. But, let me tell you, if you’re serving this dish without a side of garlic bread, you might as well be feeding me dog food. Don’t even get me started on the amateurs who put ketchup in their stroganoff - what the fuck is wrong with you people?! You’re ruining a classic! Anyway, beef stroganoff is like me - a classic, a legend, a force to be reckoned with. It’s not for the faint of heart, but if you can handle the heat, then step into my kitchen and let’s get cooking, motherfucker!

What the fuck kind of question is that, kid? You think I’ve got nothing better to do than answer some silly-ass question about my favorite color? You think I’m some kinda Valley girl or something? “Oh, like, my fave color is, like, blue!” Give me a break, kid. If I had to choose a color, it’d be the color of ravioli - you know, that rich, meaty red sauce color. But let’s be real, kid, I’m a busy guy. I don’t got time for this frivolous shit. I’ve got more important things on my plate, like eating actual ravioli and telling idiots like you to shut the fuck up. So, next thing you know, you’re gonna ask me about my favorite animal or some other dumbshit like that? Get outta here, kid. You’re wasting my time.

Sorry sweetheart beastiality ain’t my thing