I started with the most intensely femme name I could think of, but after a couple of weeks it started to feel a bit off and too youthful to reflect how I feel. I realized that I couldn’t picture me using it in most contexts, it was just giving me euphoria because it was a feminine name, so I went back to the drawing board to find something that is more “me”.

I then proceeded to draw a blank. So I started repeatedly refreshing a random name generator with my wife. Eventually I heard something that sounded almost right to my ears. I changed a letter, amd it felt good! Then I realized I’d only ever seen the name on a pokemon game.

That sealed the deal for me, a name that sounds close enough to a common name to not stand out, but isn’t common, and is a callback to geek heritage. That’s a fit for me, and it passed my vibe check, so I kept it.

Now I just need to get my inner monologue to start using it. Its been months and my brain keeps deadnaming me =(

And I still want to figure out a middle name. I am sure as shit not keeping mine, but I want to choose something with more personal meaning, instead of just nice vibes. Unfortunately, I am still drawing a blank there, but it’ll come to me eventually. I feel it =)

That’s great! Best of luck to you as you explore this part of yourself and figure out what it means for you personally. You go, girl!

I realized I was absolutely trans under a month ago. From the different stories that everyone tells, everyone’s experience is different. I’ll share a few things that were meaningful to me and how I ended up personally realizing I am trans, but everyone is genuinely a unique person with their own path to find.

For a couple of wonderful general statements that I read elsewhere (recommend the gender dysphoria bible in the sidebar):

People who are completely 100% cis don’t usually worry about the idea that they might not be 100% cis. If the idea keeps sticking in your head, it is worth exploring it further.

Being a woman or a man or neither or both or anywhere on any gender spectrum does not require you to do anything. You can be a trans woman, or trans femme enby person, or anything, recognize it, and then do nothing. Sure, it is common for that recognition to spark a desire to change something, but you never have to, and NO step or change is required to be who you are. Try to take the worry over “what it means” out of your analysis, and just ask yourself what feels right. “What it means” is a much longer-term thing to sort through over time, and will likely change over time just like everyone does.

For me, the things that finally tipped me over the edge of realizing my transness about myself were:

1. The idea that the only meaningful way to identify your gender is completely internal. I was wishing I was a woman extremely often, but thought I couldn’t be one because I kept viewing gender as an externally-definable thing, and the limited other trans/female narratives that I had heard were things that I personally had not experienced in my life yet. But it isn’t about fitting an external definition of being “trams” or “woman”. The external definition is meaningless. The ONLY meaningful way to define your gender is to feel inside yourself, not looking at a list of what makes someone trans.
2. Eventually I realized that constantly wishing I was a woman IS gender dysphoria, and that I could choose to define myself differently, if I wanted to. That really opened my brain up a crack to the idea. After that…
3. I read about the null hypotheCis. Taking a step back and weighing the ideas of “I am trans” and “I am cis” with equal possibility, instead of assuming cis was a default and being trans required me to find solid proof. As soon as I tried a thought experiment of flipping it entirely around, to mentally try to find the evidence to prove to myself that I was cis, the whole thing collapsed and I knew that I am not.

Hopefully one of the journeys the community has posted about here will give you a place to start digging at the question until you feel comfortable with your answer. Also, basically everything I said above came from the gender dysphoria bible, so reading that and seeing if it resonates with something inside might be a good place to look - took me a couple of hours ish to read. Best of luck out there, stranger!

Thank you! It feels like so much. Gonna need to read that 1. 2. 3. A few more times. Maybe write it down somewhere.

I am experimenting with names and pronouns - I used a feminized version of my name earlier in the journey (something like Jess instead of Jesse) but it doesn’t fit me now. I want a name that resonates with me instead of it just being a sound, and I know that’s not a part that anyone can help with. I want to find a name the same magical giddy rightness I am getting now when my partner calls me her wife! I hope I just know it when I see it.

Actually, my username is new because my old other-instance one was related to the name I’m leaving behind. I wanted it to relate to the fuller me I’m discovering and realized that there is too much that I don’t know about her.

Thank you for the reminder to keep my wife in mind too. I’m in such a tizzy of worry and excitement and she is so supportive and on board and… I think I need to sit down with her and really talk about what it means and what could change and open that conversation conduit as wide as possible.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and helping me see more things to look at!

Thank you for sharing your story and advice! I completely relate to things never clicking because it wasn’t on my mental menu of self-options.

I talked with my partner about what I can do today, and she’s going to try to flip to using girly nicknames and pronouns at home. Her brother lives with us (didnt mentally do well living alone), and I am trying to figure out how to pluck up the courage and ask him to do the same. I can’t imagine him responding badly, but I am really really not used to being that vulnerable.

Then Monday I’ll talk to my therapist about how I can open up my mid/long term choices so I can start something as soon as I feel ready enough. Whew.

Thank you for the words and the things to think about!

I’ll look into voice training after work today! There are a lot of gaps in knowledge that I can’t wait to fill in, I am scared and excited to see where I go!

Thank you! I speficically asked for advice from transfem people or validation from anybody, and this is absolutely validation from anybody!

The support is welcomed & appreciated! Hearing that the GDB didn’t resonate with you is somehow reassuring at this early point in my journey. Thank you!

Thank you, genuinely.

The self-distrust on this runs so deep, and I just really needed to hear someone say it to me. I’m probably going to read this another hundred times this month until it sinks in.

So, thank you, from the bottom of the old heart and the top of the new one.