Every time Americans are assigned a Republican president, the amount of Americans entitled to seek asylum elsewhere ticks up again.

I would prefer God existed simply so that there were a proper forum to air my grievances.

In those moments when it seems likely that Christian God very much exists, and is a vengeful and micromanaging hide-and-seek champion Who allows children to have cancer, and with Whom I’d be in a clearly abusive relationship, He, too, appears to be a sadistic con artist of the nepobaby, MLM-upline variety.

I’m so fucking sorry that I’m laughing so hard at 4:30am but dad was not playing with guntimidation and also wheelchair-bound and motionless. But I choose to believe you.

It gives say-no-to-me-or-any-other-male-in-my-fam-and-we’ll-dump-acid-on-you vibes

Don’t shake them too hard or they stretch. But hang everything absofuckinglutely immediately after they’re outta the washer or dryer. Like rn.

That’s actually and ironically super encouraging to hear! I’ve become afraid of this trap that I see miserable older people slide into at will.

Thank you.

Heads up: I’m sure you know, but others might not, that Mother Teresa was a sadistic con artist.

Two words: Get. It. Ma. Ma.

Hey ’20s Americans:

Look how freaking thin these people were

People say wild stuff like this when they’re young. The 89-year-olds in this scenario change their minds. Every time.

Instead of living that long, I would like to donate those years to the rest of you people. What’s 120 ÷ 8 000 000 000?

I cannot 💀

Is this the best photo I have ever seen?

Me and Homer be like

Nothing straight about this DLC

More Kitboga is the one true faith but I didn’t want to scare newcomers away.

At least a couple of Kitboga’s calls have originated in India, but all the characters he plays are as upstanding as they come. Except for this one time at Dave & Buster’s. Kit:

• never wishes for the plague
• always respects all varieties of English
• always respects that not everyone calling everyone else is US-based
• never uses slurs, and Kit’s
• never gonna give you up

I twist my ankle on a stone and I’m like “how many racing stripes on my coffin?” or at least “will my wheelchair have OnStar?”