feeling ‘trapped’ in monogamy.
so i’ve(20m) have been in this wonderful relationship with A(20f) for about a year now, and as I disclosed from the begginging that I was looking for a open/poly relationship, she knew it from the very start and we agreed to that. Fast forward a couple of months and we close down the relationship because she doesnt feel secure enough, which was also a completely valid request. After we opened it back up she went on a date with someone, made out and then proceeded to tell me that this is not something she wants to go look around for, after that we closed the relationship again. Since then neither her nor me have been on any dates and any discussion even hinting towards the topic elicits an we should try it at a different stage of our relationship when we are more secure. This makes me feel trapped and controlled, especially since she knew about me wanting a non-exclusive relationship from the start. Any advice?
This is an old post but well I’m here
we close down the relationship because she doesnt feel secure enough, which was also a completely valid request
No it wasn’t. Her options there were leave the relationship or seek therapy. Asking you to change the relationship model to something you don’t want is a reach. Rookie mistake I understand how it happened. But there’s your problem. This person can’t or won’t do non monogamy. If you want non monogamy, leave.
It’s fine if she doesn’t want to date anyone else. I know a couple where the one of them doesn’t, and the other has a sprawling polycule. They’re happy
It’s not fine if she wants to control what you do. She will never be secure like that and you will be miserable.
I dated someone who was very insecure and controlling. It was horrible. Nothing was ever enough and their metamours suffered.
Eventually they had some breakthroughs in therapy and now are extremely poly, but they had to get there themselves. Trying to control other people to make themselves feel secure was doomed.
It doesn’t sound like your partner is interested in non monogamy. If you need this to be happy, then break up now before any more time is invested. The longer you let this go on, the more it will hurt the both of you in the future.
As much as it sucks, I agree with indomara. You have to be true to yourself, make yourself happy, before you can help make anyone else happy.
i’ve been there. now, no experiences are transferrable to other people i guess. But it just made me increasingly unhappy which stained the relationship. now both people are unhappy. thus the relationship ends in tears. if you wait for “someday”, you might be waiting for nothing. sorry OP
I think you already know your options but here they are again:
-
compromise your own happiness and stay in a monogamous relationship
-
break up
Don’t expect people to change. If your partner doesn’t want an open relationship now, it might just be something they are not compatible with. Also, describing your own relationship as a “trap” would be a red flag for me. I’d rather a partner break up with me than feel like they are trapped with me.
-
I’ve broken up with people for exactly this reason. There were tears, but it had to be done. The trapped feeling is the key. If she refuses to budge then it’s pretty clear your relationship styles are incompatible.
Couple therapy if you have the money. Definitely helped me and my SO to work it out.
Like Indomora said, it seems like you and your partner want different things.
If you don’t want to break up, I would suggest telling your partner how important this is to you.
She says that she’d be more open to it when you’re both more secure. Okay, then try finding pre-defined times in the future that you both can agree on to discuss this further. That will make this less of a fantasy, and more measurable.
Good luck
