Yeah I think I’m chemically depressed from extreme Trauma (with a big old capital T) but I don’t really have the support, money, or mental capacity (or desire) to be testing through different stimulants for one that removes me enough from my own mental faculties that it gently scrapes away my self awareness.
I’m already mindful. I just don’t want to be here anymore but understand that the end of things is a lot more lonely so I balance myself in a limbo of misery trying to smile while I roll a boulder up a hill.
Edit: also just stating something on your behalf also sounds like a terrible therapist
My family has that unique geneology where I really don’t know how that will affect me without risking a lot. My grandmother is allergic to anesthetics to the point of Aleve can stop her heart, while my aunt is actually allergic to alcohol in a similar way. My dad is drug resistant and I am very drug resistant and wakeup during surgeries from anesthesia wearing off in minutes (and you don’t want to wake up being cut open trust me) and other drugs have shown to have weird reactions in my body. Shrooms don’t really work and I’m allergic to Benadryl (the antihistamine allergy medicine)
Also I am already suicidal so the risk of that getting worse is pretty high and failing by accident can’t always be counted on.
But yeah so I just enjoy watching that boulder roll down and crush everything below and try to remember it when pushing it back up.
Yeah I think I’m chemically depressed from extreme Trauma (with a big old capital T) but I don’t really have the support, money, or mental capacity (or desire) to be testing through different stimulants for one that removes me enough from my own mental faculties that it gently scrapes away my self awareness.
I’m already mindful. I just don’t want to be here anymore but understand that the end of things is a lot more lonely so I balance myself in a limbo of misery trying to smile while I roll a boulder up a hill.
Edit: also just stating something on your behalf also sounds like a terrible therapist
Ow. Sorry you’ve gotta deal with that. Why a stimulant, SSRIs aren’t the ticket? One must imagine Sisyphus forcing a smile 😀
My family has that unique geneology where I really don’t know how that will affect me without risking a lot. My grandmother is allergic to anesthetics to the point of Aleve can stop her heart, while my aunt is actually allergic to alcohol in a similar way. My dad is drug resistant and I am very drug resistant and wakeup during surgeries from anesthesia wearing off in minutes (and you don’t want to wake up being cut open trust me) and other drugs have shown to have weird reactions in my body. Shrooms don’t really work and I’m allergic to Benadryl (the antihistamine allergy medicine)
Also I am already suicidal so the risk of that getting worse is pretty high and failing by accident can’t always be counted on.
But yeah so I just enjoy watching that boulder roll down and crush everything below and try to remember it when pushing it back up.
😨 oh ok 😁 whatever helps then