I don’t really do anything worthwhile. Or at least that is what it sounds like when it is talked about. “You didn’t have to do that” “you don’t feel like that do you” I must really not be good at anything, and I really did think I was helping. But I guess I should keep to what I am good at, being in the way.
I have what I need, a place so no one will need to deal with clean up, and I have the know how. Courage is the thing I need and let me tell you my courage grows everyday.
I will probably delete this when I wakeup in the morning because I am a coward, but soon I will have the strength and need the relief enough.
I have never met you, but it makes me sad to contemplate you doing this. Please don’t. The people who know you will be much sadder than I am.
I thank you for the sentiment, but the people here trying to help would honestly make much more of an impact, the people I have access to in real life would just offer options (that comes from experience by the way)
Have you considered moving somewhere very different? I suspect from what you just said there are some negative influences in your current space
Considered it not really an option right now unfortunately.
Why not?
I know you are trying to help, and I don’t mean any disrespect, but you are going to have to take my word for it.
Ok. Fair enough. Just thought I possibly could offer some ideas.
I understand, and I am sorry about shooting that down it is just too complicated and it is late, I am really tired, I really am grateful, I just don’t have much bandwidth left.
I just watched a show where one character was speaking a lot like you do now. That they never did anything worthwhile.
And the other character answered with a memory of something, and said essentially that even if their whole life was just to have that one happy memory, it would be worth it.
That memory wasn’t something “worthwhile”. It was a completely trivial thing, but one that they found joy in.
Being involved in a greater cause can be a good thing, as long as you can do it and stay true to yourself. I hope you find one, if that’s what your interested in.
But don’t devalue your own joys by placing them in this category of being “not worthwhile” of some vague societal standard. Society is fractured, and grows more so by the day. So I guarantee there’s a corner of it somewhere that values what you bring.
Some things we can’t change, like who our family is. But we can always control who we associate with. It sounds like you’re associating with people that don’t value you. Before you decide to literally end it all, maybe try distancing yourself from those people, and meeting some others.
I can hear you say to yourself “but that’s so hard, I’ve never had success with it before, why should I even try?”
But that’s crap. I just moved to a new place. I was completely alone, with no friends there. But I like playing tabletop games. So I looked on Reddit/r/lfg every day, and posted multiple times. It took me months. But eventual I found a group that I love meeting up every week and playing with.
Those people all agreed to meet and play before they ever saw what I looked like, or knew anything about me. They all took a chance on me, and I took one on them. Take a chance to do whatever it is you love, and if you don’t know what that is, take a chance to do different things and find out! It might not work out, but it’s worth the effort. Don’t give up.
My joy was taken a very long time ago, by a very evil person, if it hasn’t come back by now, well, let’s just say I am not holding out hope.
I really do appreciate the story, I have always found metaphor fascinating, and you are right the hunt for community can be exhilarating, but it is also exhausting, and while there is a lot to be learned from failure at some point that failure has to be accepted as outcome. A person can only run an experiment so many times with different variables before it is time to reject the hypothesis.
Now I believe it is time for me to find the common denominator in all the failures (me) and learn to live with the added knowledge, or choose to just get out of the way and allow those working around me to move more smoothly.
So you’ve talked about the impact on your work, have you ever thought about just like, leaving?
You obviously speak English well enough to be a native speaker. A long time ago I wanted to get away from my situation, and so went to teach English in a foreign country I wanted to visit.
Have you ever thought about doing the same? Are you worried that once you get there, you’d somehow get revealed as a “failure”, or however you think of yourself, again?
You know that if that happens, you can just… move again, you know? I’ve moved around a lot, and I reinvented myself as a different, I think better person each time. Or at least I made a sincere attempt to think about what my weaknesses were and how to improve them.
How many places have you lived? You say you’ve run an experiment to exhaustion, but to continue that metaphor, if you ran each one in the same petri dish, how can you say you say they were truly independent?
There are more than a hundred countries who want native English speakers as foreign language teachers. Is there not a single one of those places you’d like to live in for a while?
Your current situation is literally making you want to kill yourself. If you think making the most extreme change you can requires “courage”, then don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try a less-but-still-extreme complete change of scenery? Have the courage to do that first at least.
So another thing I hear all too often is that I argue too much, so am going to agree. Mostly because you are right there are more variables to be tested, and you are right the courage to pull up roots and go is great. I appreciate you pointing that out. And like they say a change is as good as a rest.
If you think you’re worthless and dumb then why do you think you’re right about that? Dumb people think they’re the smartest.
Clearly the issue is thar your brain chemistry is fucked up and tricking you into thinking that’s true.
It doesn’t make you a coward it makes you a genius. You’re intelligent enough to know that there’s literally no reason to end it now
Don’t really think I am dumb and that is part of the problem, in fact I am quite well read, but it is of no use, I will never be an author, professor, or anything that will need that information, and the people I do know never know what I am talking about. Part of what makes me sure I will remain useless to those around me. I really do just need to get up the courage to get out of the way.
Nah. It’d be a waste of a good brain. Like I said just a bit chemically unbalanced
I appreciate it, I really do, but trust me it is already being wasted.
Meh, every person matters. I believe in the positive butterfly effect, any positive thing you can do no matter how small, insignificant, or ‘worthless’ or ‘in the way’ positively affects the world. Pushes away the negative entropy. Shrug I know there’s a low chance that your current chemical balance will allow you to accept this, but maybe someday it’ll help.
Hope you get something to help you.
Also, just an FYI, the chemical imbalance thing is really not current science.
Interesting, I’m quite out of date on this. Nice link
I’m really sorry you feel this way. Why do you feel like you’re good at getting in the way?
Well it seems to be the only place I am unless I am alone. If I try to help it seems everyone has to work around me and my contribution is the part that didn’t really need done in the first place. It is the part you give the incompetent person to keep them busy while you do the real stuff.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Always. No exceptions.
It absolutely is, and it is time for me to permanently be out of the way of more productive and useful people
That’s a shame. I’m sure there will be many people that will be deeply saddened by your absence.
I lost my dog of 15 years less than two weeks ago, and just found out my mother is vomiting blood in a hospital as a result of liver failure. On a good day, my depression and anxiety is high. This is almost too much for me to handle, but i am. And I will. Because I know that things change. As quickly as things go bad, they can get good. It requires time, and a tremendous amount of honesty with one’s self.
Right now, you at least possess one of those things. Wait it out. And work towards a goal. If you think you’re in the way of others, you’re not.
They’re in YOUR way.
I honestly appreciate this, and I am sorry to hear you are going through all of that. It really sounds like there is someone that needs your help. You hold on for her, I am sure she needs you. I think you have enough on you, you don’t need to be focusing your energy on me.
But I will focus on you anyway. People care. Even when you don’t think they do, they do. It’s easy to see the world in ways that justify our mind-set. This is because it’s easier for us to make it seem as if the world conspires against us for our faults than it is to fix them-
-or to even acknowledge them.
I learned this lesson long ago, and it was a big one to overcome. And it was hard. But it was worth it. I’m here. To speak to you. So don’t waste that. Realize what it is.
We are here to help each other. You’re not in my way.
And I can’t not be with her, she’s 3,000 miles away. So I’m here.
I had honestly lost track of the the fact that there are caring people in the world, and, even though you have no reason to, I ask you to trust me I hold no delusion that I am conspired against, I know where I am safe, and where I am unsafe. I am sure a lot of my depression comes from a lack of a feeling of safety, and a lack of trustworthy people. I have some deficits and need some amount of help and I have some rather extreme trauma in my past, I am just so tired.
And by conspired against, I meant how you feel like you’re in peoples way when you’re almost certainly not.
You know how you can be told something so long you start to believe it. I guess I notice that I only seem to be in the way when when nothing is broken, but if you keep hearing it you tend to believe it. I am sure I am easy to convince because I crave interaction, they all know how lonely I am. So am I in the way, maybe not sometimes, am I led to believe that, with out ambiguity I am told that I am just a burden.
Also, to define terms the they are my aunt, my mom, and a few of their friends. This constitutes the whole of my human interaction. I don’t believe it is a conspiracy they are just selfish people.
Also my mom is my primary support.
It is okay to be tired. I’m sure you’re exhausted. Emotional turmoil is a huge drain on pretty much everyone. You just need to hang in there when things get rough. Get to they pace where you’re safe and indulge in distractions and comforts. The rest of the world will be there when it’s time to deal.
