Well the chaos may be rooted in choices you made, but the circumstances you ended up in are horrible for reasons far outside of anything you could possibly be blamed for. The fact that you struggle to afford food and find shelter is the fault of a sick, pathologically individualist, poor-shaming, capitalist society. So don’t blame yourself. I know what it is to be in a hole with seemingly no way out. But making the choice now to work on a plan that you lay out for yourself to follow could maybe start help taming some of that chaos, perhaps?

But yeah, one step at a time of course, and if malnutrition is the main factor keeping you from doing what you want or need to do, maybe for now, work specifically on a plan to deal with just that. You have SNAP or something, right? Maybe budget that shit out and plan how much you have and what nutritious foods it can get you. Sorry if you’ve talked about it in your posts and I missed it, but do you have access to foodbanks? That could solve your malnutrition problem in one fell swoop if it’s a good foodbank. There may even be people there that can help you plan out your meals for the week. If that’s not a thing where you are, I know you were considering shoplifting groceries but were nervous about it, and while I would never encourage you to do something that could put you in legal/cop-related danger, there are certain methods for shoplifting food that are easy and relatively low risk. And as we know, comrades here can help out with food too. All of these things can be… mapped out, then implemented, but it does take some dedication. So yeah, if it were me, I think I’d try to tackle that issue fairly single-mindedly until you’re satisfied you’re eating healthy consistently. Then you can work on the next thing that will get you, like you said, to the headspace necessary to start doing the content creation thing. If it’s the kind of content you could safely share here, I know I for one would love to see it when you’re able to start creating. It’s an awesome goal to have.

Again, I hope that isn’t just sounding like unsolicited advice from some asshole who doesn’t know your circumstances. I just empathize with being in shit situations with an addiction, a totally uncertain immediate future and even more uncertain long term future, and the feeling like I’m just unmoored and flapping in the wind, just getting knocked around by the chaos without any control. But making a set plan can help give back at least a little piece of it, a small but meaningful sense of control.