This must be John Oliver’s uncle or grandfather or something

"After careful consideration, fuck the fuck off.

Yours sincerely,

Fuck you."

Russell is one of the greats. But if you’re looking for a terse knockdown there’s always this classic from author Max Reger:

I am in the smallest room of the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.

This one is even better than Tolkien’s response to a German publisher in 1938, asking for proof of his ancestry, which may or may not have been sent, but tellingly there was no official translation of The Hobbit into German until 1957.

Thank you for your letter. I regret that I am not clear as to what you intend by arisch. I am not of Aryan extraction: that is Indo-Iranian; as far as I am aware none of my ancestors spoke Hindustani, Persian, Gypsy, or any related dialects. But if I am to understand that you are enquiring whether I am of Jewish origin, I can only reply that I regret that I appear to have no ancestors of that gifted people. My great-great-grandfather came to England in the eighteenth century from Germany: the main part of my descent is therefore purely English, and I am an English subject—which should be sufficient. I have been accustomed, nonetheless, to regard my German name with pride, and continued to do so throughout the period of the late regrettable war, in which I served in the English army. I cannot, however, forbear to comment that if impertinent and irrelevant inquiries of this sort are to become the rule in matters of literature, then the time is not far distant when a German name will no longer be a source of pride.

Your enquiry is doubtless made in order to comply with the laws of your own country, but that this should be held to apply to the subjects of another state would be improper, even if it had (as it has not) any bearing whatsoever on the merits of my work or its sustainability for publication, of which you appear to have satisfied yourselves without reference to my Abstammung.

Don’t fuck with posh and emotionally repressed Oxbridge motherfuckers when they realize they are finally on the right side of history. 🤣

A half-brick to the face is an equally elegant way of turning down a nazi.

Dude’s a fookin legend !

In the early 1900’s, he discovered a logical paradox that shattered mathematics for years, and drove brilliant people literally insane (one of them died in an asylum later on).

He then tried to redefine mathematics based solely on logic; but he failed after a 1000-page manuscript… and that was only the first half of what he intended to publish.

There are countless valuable quotes by him and anecdotes, he’s a very inspirational man.

“No offense, but ew”

• Bertrand Russell

With all due respect, you are the antithesis of all that I consider human. With all due respect.

By the way, if anyone else was curious, dude was a “Sir” due to an inherited title, not knighted for individual actions.

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter and for your enclosed pizza menu suggestions. I have given some thought to our recent correspondence about topping choices. It is always difficult to decide on how to respond to people whose culinary ethos is so alien and, in fact, repellent to one’s own. It is not that I take exception to the general points made by you about pizza toppings, but that every ounce of my energy has been devoted to an active opposition to cruel fruit placement, compulsive sweetness, and the sadistic persecution of traditional savory flavors which has characterised the philosophy and practice of pineapple-on-pizza advocacy.

I feel obliged to say that the gastronomic universes we inhabit are so distinct, and in deepest ways opposed, that nothing fruitful or sincere could ever emerge from a shared pizza between us.

I should like you to understand the intensity of this conviction on my part. It is not out of any attempt to be rude that I say this but because of all that I value in Italian culinary experience and pizza-making achievement.

Yours sincerely,

What are the chances I had just sent something similar to someone advocating for pineapple on pizza?

Jokes aside - dude was pretty badass:

Bertrand Arthur William Russell, 3rd Earl Russell, OM, FRS (18 May 1872 – 2 February 1970) was a British philosopher, logician, mathematician, and public intellectual. He had influence on mathematics, logic, set theory, and various areas of analytic philosophy.

👑

If you want to understand how to crush your foes with English, read Russell.

It’s dated, and ancient compared to the shit we spew, but it soo pure and clear (when you get the ear for it).

I am not a scholar, I can’t analyse prose or poetry, but his writing is cleansing and lights up the brain - especially if you have a fetish for reasonableness.

Russell is the GOAT. If he was taught in schools, we would be living in paradise.

Wait a second, sir? Fascist? One moment while I check wikipedia…

Nevermind, it turns out he just inherited the title, not as bad as being knighted

Alternatively, you can accept the lunch date and then punch them when they get there.

The recipient better be fireproof to avoid getting burned by such vehemence.

Always with the walls of text these people… Just decline and be done with it! Nobody trying to grade your thesis over here ffs.