Welp, ICYMI [in case you missed it] Trump just had a goddamned meltdown, hollering while he tried to shake down Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy for Ukraineā€™s minerals like a bully trying to take a kidā€™s lunch money. Trump was hoping to declare FLAWLESS VICTORY and ART OF THE DEAL over Ukraineā€™s mineral rights, but tough shit! ZelenskyyĀ left thereĀ without signing any deal, not even a face-saving Canada/Mexico kind of one, and apparently nothing was achieved other than Trump threatening to abandon Ukraine and looking like a dick idiot in front of the world. What else is new?

Hereā€™s the full 45 minutes, if you want your eyeballs to melt into your brain. AndĀ hereā€™s a transcriptĀ for HOLY SHIT.

Quick backstory, when Ukraine gave up the worldā€™s third-largest collection of nuclear weapons in 1994, it was because RussiaĀ agreed to stay the fuck outĀ of there and not engage in economic coercion, and the US, UK, and France agreed to come to Ukraineā€™s aid if Russia didnā€™t stick to that agreement. But in 2014, Putin declared the deal void, occupied Crimea, and Russian-backed separatist forces began fighting to take the Donbas in Ukraine, too. But the Russians were unsuccessful, and negotiated a ceasefire through theĀ Minsk agreementsĀ of 2014 and 2015. However, a Pooty promise is worth jack and shit, and Russia began that full-scale invasion of Ukraine three years and four days ago.

So today Zelenskyy met with Trump, flanked by pile of asshair JD Vance. Trump started off by being a demeaning asshole as soon as Zelenskyy stepped out of the car: ā€œOh look. Heā€™s all dressed up today!ā€ (He doesnā€™t seem to have minded when Elon Trump showed up to preside over his Cabinet meeting dressed in a ā€œTech Supportā€ T-shirt and trucker cap.) It was all downhill from there.

A reporter asked Trump if he wasĀ too alignedĀ with Putin. Because yeah,Ā claiming that Russia did not invade UkraineĀ and that Zelenskyy is some kind of dictator sureĀ sounds like Putin is attached to Trumpā€™s brain like some kind of space slug, even if a few days later TrumpĀ denied he said it. (ā€œDid I say that? I canā€™t believe I said that. Next question.ā€)

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    Look, said Zelenskyy, ā€œduring the war, everybody has problems. Even you. But you have nice ocean, you donā€™t feel now, but you will feel it in the future.ā€

    And ooh that set those little-dick bullies OFF.

    ā€œYou donā€™t know, you donā€™t know, donā€™t tell us what weā€™re going to feel. Weā€™re trying to solve a problem. Donā€™t tell us what weā€™re going to feel. Because youā€™re in no position to dictate that, remember that, youā€™re in no position to dictate what weā€™re going to feel. Weā€™re going to feel very good. Weā€™re going to feel very good and strong. Youā€™re right now not in a very good position. Youā€™ve allowed yourself to be in a very bad position. Youā€™re not in a good position. You donā€™t have the cards right now. With us you start having cards.ā€

    ā€œIā€™m not playing cards. Iā€™m very serious.ā€

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    Trump:Ā [shouting again] ā€œYou havenā€™t been alone. We gave you, through the stupid president, $350 billion. We gave you military equipment. You and your men are brave, but they had to use our military [equipment.] If you didnā€˜t have our military equipment this war would have been over in two weeks.

    Zelensky:Ā ā€œIn three days. Yes, I heard it from Putin ā€˜in three daysā€™ā€¦. in two weeks.ā€

    Goddam trump is a smelly piece of shit.

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    ā€œYouā€™re either going to make a deal or weā€™re out. If weā€™re out, youā€™ll fight it out. I donā€™t think it will be pretty,ā€ Trump huffed at one point. As if he was not already out, and the whole mineral-rights thing isnā€™t like Terry Doria borrowing money from doomed Vito Spatafore.

    Zelenskyy left abruptly, and evenĀ the New York TimesĀ seems SHOOK.

    ā€œThe departure was an extraordinary moment at the White House: the leader of an ally whose country is fighting for its life abruptly leaving, or being thrown out, after an explosive shouting match in the Oval Office,ā€ a ā€œdramatic break in relations between two wartime allies.ā€

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    ā€œIā€™m not aligned with anybody. Iā€™m aligned with the United States of America, and for the good of the world. Iā€™m aligned with the world. I want to get the things set. Iā€™m aligned with Europe. I want to see if we can get this thing done. You want me to be tough? I can be tougher than any human being youā€™ve ever seen. Iā€™d be so tough. But youā€™re never going to get a deal that way. So thatā€™s the way it goes.ā€

    NARRATOR: He was not, in fact,Ā aligned with the world.

    Anyway, so TOUGH, says the guy too scared to say one word against Putin, ever. The WORLD clearly saw who invaded who, there. But Zelenskyy should say thanks, Putin, for violating all the agreements you ever made,Ā stealing 20,000 Ukrainian children,Ā and bombing babies in hospitals?

    Zelenskyy tried to explain, theyĀ hadĀ a ceasefire deal with Russia already. Russia was supposed to return prisoners. But they did not stick to the ceasefire agreement they agreed to, or return the prisoners either. And Butthair Vance was not trying to hear it, or let anybody else hear it either, and he jumped in to lecture Zelenskyy toĀ be more grateful.