I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.
I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.
What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.
He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Why am I like this?
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
So instead you’ll like youre ruder than you are, hoping he will eventually get it.
You don’t think weeks of having to do this is making you feel worse than perhaps one night of feeling a bit sorry after telling him straight on?
And I know he will appreciate it eventually if the direct reaction isn’t such. You will finally make sense to him. If you’re being rude, ignoring him, why don’t you understand that might make him want to bring you to a normal level of social contact. That he feels he’s done something wrong by just being a chatty person.
Maybe just tell him you’re sorry but you’re not as chatty as him and would like to focus.
And yes, I have also done that to a worker. Told her I’m there to work, not to make friends. Kinda cold? I don’t think so. Colleagues, not friends. Co-employees can be friends but don’t need to.
Holy shit, this is the very same people that later will tell you about how they will “eat the rich” and “deny, despise , defenestrate” (or whatever) every CEO they encounter.
All the meanwhile being incredibly socially stunted and so utterly incapable of even being direct with someone and talking over a perceived issue at work, one of the safest environments they’ll have access to for human interactions.
Totally unhinged, dissociative and disconnected from reality behavior.
Nobody here noticed the tinny little fact that you seem to be a woman. One that works out and attracts attention (i.e. your story about a dude eyeing you in the park). The coworker might simply find you attractive.
The easy way: one word answers to everything. This can include just saying yup or nope to every response. I am the kind of person to lean in on obnoxious responses while very much not paying attention.
The hard way: get HR involved. Inappropriate attempts to get close to you count.
Example of solution 1: https://youtube.com/shorts/KdmMiZqskzc?si=AxAqzBSU3nYYvOS2
Short phrases like “I can’t talk, I’m working” and “I don’t really want to talk thanks.”
Then ignore them until they leave.
Offend him, who the fuck cares. Dude obviously doesn’t give a shit about your time and energy, or boundaries. He doesn’t respect you, so he deserves no respect in return.
Fight fire with fire. Figure out which topic he doesn’t care about, and start talking about it all the time. Like, literally all the time when he is in the vicinity.
Could be a new hobby like flying a kite or an obscure interest like the history green colors used in the textile industry. Ideally, you would pick something you can imagine yourself being passionate about. Look up some videos on how autistic people talk about their favorite topic, and you’ll get the idea.
These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.
Just gonna be blunt… meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.
If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.
That depends on the type of work OP does and when exactly are they adopting the yoga stance. People can do whatever they want during breaks.
But ultimately I agree with your last sentence.
Why do people seem to have such a hard time with being direct? Just tell him to leave you alone, if you hurt his feelings it’s not your problem.
Everyone’s different, you sound like you may loathe this person, but regardless work is not recreation. If needless social interactions are impacting your ability to work, consider talking to your supervisor. Speaking directly to your coworker may offend, exacerbating the issue for you. Give your supervisor an opportunity to resolve it, who should have more experience and/or training in dealing with conflict.
It’s the simple things in life… always the simple things. Have you ever said the simple things to him?
“Be quiet now.”
“Leave me alone.”
(and after his response, whatever it is, you be quiet yourself)
What?? Imagine telling anyone to “be quiet now”. That’s plainly rude and won’t help
It’s important to be honest and polite. “I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I’d be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please”
But what if they aren’t happy to chat on their coffee breaks either?
What you’re suggesting is basically just hitting the snooze button. “I’m sorry but I’m just the type of person who don’t do small talk.” in a polite but firm manner have worked wonders for me before.
Sure, why not. If OP really doesn’t want to small talk they can say that.
OP doesn’t mention they hate smalltalk. I just gave a suggestion of words that I thought would fit, but I also don’t know OP
That’s plainly rude and won’t help
If it is rude in your culture, you should find the appropriate way of expression
“I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I’d be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please”
But that won’t help either, because it makes too many words. By far.
It is essential to stay absolutely focused in such cases. You want something, so you say what you want, and nothing else. And then silence.
Silence is your goal.
Nothing about what you yourself are doing, only what you want the other one to do. Nothing about coffee and nothing about last year’s vacation on that beautiful island in the sun with the bowling club and how drunk they all were… The barest minimum is the right amount of politeness.
Ok, now be quiet please.
He’s an energy vampire. Tread carefully.
Colin Robinson
Fucking Colin Robinson
Needs some updog.
Dang, all I got is this cowbell…
What’s cowbell?
Unclear, but I definitely need more
Unspoken expectations are pre-meditated resentments.
Tell him you have trouble focusing on your work if you stop to talk too often. Tell him you’re trying to finish x, y, z, etc, and after doing that enough hopefully he gets the message.
Best to be direct. Fake responses just dog deeper paths.
What are you working on. Oh I’ll help you. Sure I’ll be back on ten. Yeah I’m busy too buy you gotta take breaks. Hey did you catch thst movie.
If the person is so dense they dont know there bothering somone there not the type of person to get subtle hints.
I have ADHD, so this is something I genuinely use. It usually works, but I’ve only dealt with this type of person once.
I had to keep reinforcing it and it was never perfect, but it did get better.
Happy cake day!
“I am focused on task x and cannot talk to you”.
Does he have a job to do or is he just there to pester people with smalltalk?
