I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.
I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.
But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.
Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.
This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.
Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)
Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
EDIT: Yeah I misread that
OP was talking about his wife and her friend.
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
Times are tough for underage dads in this cancel culture
And not to mention tough for their UNDERAGE CHILDREN!!!
/s
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
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I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I’ll roll with it.
Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.
Understood and thank you for your wisdom.
Do most people take food back out from the trash?
Yeah, to give it to the rabbits. Don’t waste food
Ohhhhhh, I didn’t think about that. I considered that the same as “discarded.” But now I feel bad how nonchalantly I was thinking like, “throw the cucumber of joy into the compost or let nature consume it”
I have a dog who doesn’t like most fruits or any vegetables. I’ve forgotten how easy it is to just give produce to pets such as bunnies or the
.
Only if you are George Costanza.
The eclair was more or less floating on top of the garbage. It wasn’t IN the garbage.
Absolutely. https://youtu.be/qJh5u1tdC4Q?si=jIbva7uT2_tN328S
Solution: simply cover your most phallic groceries with condoms, then dispose the condoms before eating.
Yeah that lube in the condoms 👌 chef’s kiss
That’s why I buy the flavored ones. The strawberry-flavored side salad is absolutely yums!
English cucumbers come with their own condom, but it usually has rough seams :(
It’s called ribbed.
For her pleasure
Condoments
I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.
Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.
That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.
Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.
Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.
I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.
Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.
As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.
I havent seen anyone mention this, but cucumbers have little sharp spikes/spines on their skin so that’d be a huge no for the vast majority of people, and those little spikes would probably rip any condom stretched over it.
Very few people are gonna be into fucking themselves with something that’s got tiny thorns on it…unless they go out of their way to remove them without peeling it entirely I guess.
Seems like a lot of work though.
Any decent person would trash it afterwards.
That’s just wasteful. I would totally eat it after washing.
I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.
Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.
I used to grow cucumbers. Garden cucumbers have a rep for flavour and texture, not girth. That’s a nice looking cucumber there, good job.
Stop, I can only get so hard…
Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.
Okay it’s a pickle at that point.
Well that’s the nastiest thing I’ve read today so far
so far
Veggin’ edgin’ ftw
Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.
her post may not be real, but is it a real thing?
Fucking yourself with a cucumber? Sure, if that’s all you got, get it, queen. I’d suggest something slightly more substantial, though.
The fuck you mean substantial?
Watermelon.
Anything can become a sextoy… if you’re brave enough.
Watermelon would be the worst melon though, drill a hole in a honeydew instead lmao.
Eggplant, obviously
🍆🍆🍆
Oh … ouch.
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
🤣
😭
This thread has been a gold mine for me OP, thank you 😂❤️
As the only female on Lemmy I’m here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.
A cucumber could be too large
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Average men everywhere
It is not the size, it’s your ability to give me an orgasm I care about. Sincerely, a woman.
Seriously. I’m not a woman so my experience is from the other side of things, but if there is anything I’m glad I’ve learned in the bedroom it’s that you have to find out what she likes and not just assume. Not all women like being pounded like crazy and at the same time not all women like having their clit focused on. You need to find the sweet spot(s) and also learn how to use them, so to speak.
Absolutely. And a lot of women never learn to have G spot orgasms so it’s a learning curve for them too. But having them vs clitoral orgasms is like the difference between learning Spanish and learning Italian.
What is the difference between learning Spanish or Italian?!
Italian is more bellissimo. So is your G spot orgasm. It’s like 100 times more intense.
I will concur that I’ve never used a vegetable or fruit either. Just seems dirty. Toothbrush or other plastic toy were my first go tos, (plus bath water) but really, can’t emphasize this enough, a lot of girls don’t need penetration to get off. Just clitoral stimulation.
After talking to a few honest (or tipsy) women about their early sexual discovery I know the high likely hood of that Micky Mouse electric toothbrush getting absolutely violated.
Mine was like this long cylindrical toy that was basically a weeble wobble. And a kooshball at the end of a pen (for clitoral stimulation).
https://offerup.com/item/detail/577a38e0-dd43-30c9-b992-38d3645a9362
The koosh ball slapped, didn’t look exactly like the above. It was really really good. I’ve never been able to find something to replace it with and I’ve been looking for years.
lol, for boys it was definitely the “water snake”
Absolutely insane how creative a hard-up young’un can get.
I mean not all cucumbers are that huge. You could get a smaller cariant or just a smaller specimen. I do see your point though.
Yea that’s why I said “could”.
As the other female on Lemmy, I would be worried that a piece of cucumber would snap off mid wank and I’d be left trying to pick seeds out of my cooter. I have never done anything like this.
Is standard procedure to rawdog the vegetable or are a combination of lube and/or condoms used?
Asking for a friend.
If your only option is a cucumber then it’s 100% raw dogged because you don’t have access to anything else.
I’ve used cling wrap. Keeps both the cucumber and my bits clean.
Now the big question. Was that particular cucumber eaten or discarded?
I used it to make Asian cucumber salad.
Curious. Now I’m feeling hungry.
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Hairbrush handles are much more common. I’d say most girls probably haven’t used vegetables.
Most hairbrush handle designs are intentionally… yeah. But plastic is porous and nearly impossible to fully disinfect, so girls who reach puberty should be provided with high quality silicone or glass to protect them from getting a bad infection. Prudeness in our society will just hide issues like infection until it gets really awful.
why is it just assumed that they’ll use an object? hands work fine too, you don’t assume people with penises will inevitably get an infection from sticking it inside a vacuum cleaner…
And like, lesbians exist?? they have lots of fun just with rubbing!
Because fingers get tired and, in the case of women, the object can go further inside than her fingers. Depending on setup, she can go hands free, too.
Sticking a dick in a vacuum cleaner is not a proper comparison because most of the dick is protected by skin and even the glans will mostly be fine with the same dirt/contaminants that you can wash off your skin.
Anything that gets inside your body represents a much greater risk of infections. A better comparison would be to a man pretend sucking something or sticking it up his ass.
Please don’t skip biology classes.
well thanks for being condescending, not sure what this has to do with biology class?
yes, fingers get tired, why do you think there’s the joke about guys with one suspiciously muscular arm?
my point is that using your hands is perfectly fine and what you’ll naturally gravitate towards since it’s extremely readily available, it’s strange to me that everyone immediately assumes that women have to use toys to get off, it feels vaguely misogynist somehow, as if girls are incapable of pleasuring themselves…that toys feel better is a non argument since that applies arguably doubly so to guys, who can both shove something up their bum and get a fleshlight, and yet no one’s going around saying guys need toys to get off.
Counterpoint: teenagers are stupid
There is a female comic who was on “This Isn’t Happening” who told the story of how she tried to masturbate with a brush with a silicone handle whilst not knowing she was allergic to silicone. She ended up in the ER.
and yet no one worries about what boys get up to, they don’t consider buying their sons a fleshlight so they won’t fuck the couch (though maybe a specific pair of parents should have).
it just feels strange to me that young women are assumed to be incapable of not harming themselves while having fun, like oh what a coincidence that it’s girls who need protecting, huh?
Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically. You make great points. Majority of the time I’ve masturbated, it’s been without a toy
Acoustically? Like play the guitar so well she gets off no handed? I’m really confused by your word choice.
Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically
I think you mean “digitally”. Digital = with your digits (ie. fingers). Acoustically = with sound (?)
Unless you’re talking about ear-tonguing. Which I agree is hot but I think it’d be pretty hard to make a woman cum that way.
No, I mean acoustically because I’m referencing a meme, ya nerd.
Lol, never seen that one. Agree that I am a nerd.
Kinda wild to me that a woman could have this take since as a dude I’m very used to playing acoustic dick. Can’t imagine just deciding I don’t wanna nut anymore because I’d have to do it by hand. I gotta say I kinda envy women since it’s pretty socially acceptable for them to use toys compared to the fellas. It’d be cool if I could just have a fleshlight or sex doll in a drawer somewhere and nobody would think it’s any weirder than a girl having a vibrator in her drawer. They look like they’d feel good and be a fun time. But there’s so much judgement around them.
Despite what you may have seen in porn, using your own fingers for penetration is kind of awkward in terms of angle, and has a very different feeling.
I think the implication you’re making about lesbians is that they participate in substantially less penetration?
Being interested in women doesn’t change what feels good in regards to physical gratification.
what i’m implying is that external stimulation also feels good, and i find the idea that you need internal stimulation to be strange. no one applies this to people with dicks, anyone with a dick is just assumed that external stimulation is sufficient and internal stimulation is an extra thing for brave people.
Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won’t judge them for it. I’d probably also mention that you won’t open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.
Also tell them: In the worst case, when improvising despite your warnings, flared bases are essential!
People are missing the more important question:
Why did she put the cucumber back in the fridge?Keeps it fresh for longer for as much fun as possible.
ient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.
Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
*WITHOUT WASHING IT! I mean, was she ok with it being eaten by another family member as long as it wasn’t her? That’s just as gross!
Yeah, that’s my main take away.
Not only did she put it back in the fridge in this completely fabricated story, but they did so without washing it?
Who does that?
You have to put it in lukewarm water for 30min / 1 hour too so putting it in the fridge seems counterproductive.
Well so I have heard, but it was for zucchinis (true story actually, but it was the guy explaining it, I have no idea if it was only used for stroking or penetrating or just to fool around with to lighten up the miod or something. I also recall something about peeling it but that seems wrong).
Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.
I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.
When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.
JD Vance fucked a couch.
Good deflection buddy. You shared, which is the important part. Progress.
The cats, right?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Hahaha unlike my Reddit account which easily links back to me (I made it 11 years ago and didn’t heavily start using it until about 6 years ago), this has zero link to me so I have no shame.
I believe hotel rooms & their contents are specifically designed around this
Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
No. Worrying doesn’t help anyone. Just relax.
Next thing you’re going to tell us is that we SHOULDN’T become absolutely obsessed with the personal habits and sex lives of other people whom I will never meet nor be involved with in any way! Preposterous!
the way I look at it, you’re wasting your resources And making unnecessary enemies if you interfere with the sex live of other people.
It seems so obviously counterproductive that the only thing I can think is that they’re enjoying it, like it’s a kink to get into other people’s sex lives and tell them what they should and should not do.
No, seriously. If you spend time in the conservative, christian communities like where I grew up, you hear these people just spend night and fucking day thinking about “sin” and the ways that nasty, dirty, eeeeevil sinners like to sin and all the details about what manner of sin they partake in… and so on.
Cucumbers are the gateway veg.
PAIGE NO!!
The Bad Dragon company wants to know your location.
Spicy.
Cucumbers are the gateway veg.
Posts a picture of bitter melon.
Weird flex but okay.
Whooooosh!
That was his point. The pic is of what could be next.
Edit: lol 45 accounts and growing of people who can’t take a joke but can take a bitter melon.
It’s a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:
That said… I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I’m not entirely sure about all of it.
4chan greentext, but signing with your name? Brave.
don’t come texting me about none I said
She sounds like a smart one>
