A guy came into the ER with a teacup up his ass.
The doctor asked how it happened.
The doctor said, in the writing where I was reading about this whole event: “What followed was a long and startling story that I immediately regretted asking for.”
See, this is why it’s important to buy teacups with flared bases.
Boof Cups ™
yeah right, he was probably cleaning the kitchen, slipped and fell on it, just like everyone else.
That’s pretty much exactly what he said, he just took a long time to say it, which was what led to the deep, deep regret on the part of the doctor. He was dusting up on a ladder, drinking tea, totally naked, and then he fell, and oh no look what has happened now.
There’s a montage from Scrubs where a bunch of people claim “I fell on it” that ends in the last guy shrugging and saying, “I was bored.”
I respect the fuck out of the last guy.
I really don’t get it. The only answer that question needs is just look the doctor in the eye and ask, “do I really need to explain?”
I don’t know for sure, but I feel like the overwhelming majority of doctors would just nod and say “got it,” and then get on with their work.
Knowing how an injury happened can let them know to look for something you might not have considered. For example, if you come in with a broken arm and tell them you fell off a ladder, they might poke around to see if you broke anything else. If you really did wind up with something forcefully shoved in an orifice, they would want to pay careful attention for tears and such.
please explain to me how the specific manner a teacup managed to get into my ass, matters as to whether or not it will go well.
Without any basis of expertise in any aspect of this topic, a sharp, forceful motion seems more likely to cause damage than a slow pressure. Also, if someone genuinely fell on something, they probably didn’t do any prep work; whereas a deliberate insertion might involve things like stretching and lubrication (but probably not in this context).
Essentially, the amount of internal damage they need to look for is inversely proportional to the amount of lube you used.
Sure.
Perhaps you were naked in your pottery shop refinishing the teacup using, say, an oscillating sander, and the hot, newly roughened surface of the rim of thd teacup was propelled violently into your anus. What could potentially be observed as contusions in and around your anus should also be investigated and treated for abrasion and burns.
Or, in fact, you were naked, having a magic tea party in the bathroom with what, through conversation it is revealed, were your imaginary friends while you were tripping on research chemicals. The 3rd cup of “tea” you were drinking started to taste like cinnamon as your ass began to feel so incredibly empty. We might need to do a specific tox screen for the party drugs, and the mystery tea you might have found under the bathroom sink. Some of that mystery tea could also have spilled in your ass, by way of the teacup vehicle. The blunt trauma wounds on your anus may be masking chemical burns.
With imagination, developed from observing human behavior, it is relatively easy to appreciate the benefit of medical staff asking questions and getting answers.
tears of joy or tears of regret?
I was
boredcurious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySd-MYoOFo4Love that! Thanks.
Also a hilarious scene in Sirens when they drive the ambulance over a bump to dislodge the coke bottle from a guys ass
Also
If you like dark comedy movies and you haven’t seen Bringing out the Dead, you really should
Hate when that happens!
How uncultured. When given a gift, you spread your hands and say “thank you.”
No, it’s his friend’s magical teacup that goes wherever you command it. This poor victim just wasn’t careful with his incredulous utterance when his friend told him about it.
Million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.
“If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quickly: a pair of ice tongs and a friend who can keep a secret.”
-Dave Attell
Where else would I put my tea bag
it’s a TEA CUP. EVEN WORSE.
Still not as bad as a glass jar.
Warning: you seriously do not want to look up One Man One Jar if you value not feeling horrified.
I have no idea how that man remained as quiet as he did, and you’re right, it is horrifying.
Condensed milk tin can.
Gives a new meaning to moloko +
The internet is full of delightfully horrifying tales like that. Just yesterday, I got to witness a few people regretting asking about the pony jar. (Don’t look that one up either)
This has been a story about some people who were punished entirely too much for what they did. They wanted to have a good time, but they were like children playing in the street. We really all were very happy for a while, sitting around not toiling but just bullshitting and playing, but it was for such a terrible brief time, and then the punishment was beyond belief: even when we could see it, we could not believe it.
The implication that not only did he not just put it up there, but that there was a whole boatload of context that neither of them were happy to know of
“I fell” works well enough.
Just cut off the penis, remove the ring and then reattach the penis. Do I have to do everyone’s job around here?
Sometimes I think I should get it permanently attached
Slap a summer sausage in the middle there for extra length and it’s win-win
Like I tell everyone I sleep with, I got 9 inches for you, just be ready to take it in 3 doses ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
It appears the market has spoken, thus you must clearly upgrade your ring cutting equipment.
That is, unless the poor sap acquired the titanium ring from Boeing or Airbus’ supplier. Then maybe you can use kindergarten stubby scissors.
Hospitals will generally have ring cutters like this:
They are hand powered and very cost effective for gold and silver rings. Diamond tipped cutters usually need something like a Dremel to power them. They look something like this:
.They are much more expensive compared to hand powered ones, and pose a higher risk to a patient so they would require additional training to use it, which is another extra cost.
Also, ummm, titanium gets hot. Like all metal gets hot when you cut it, that’s just how friction works.
But titanium is gummy.
When we cut steel it makes a nice clean chip until the tool is dull, then it’ll make ugly chips.
When we cut aluminum or copper, we have to use tools with fewer teeth so they don’t get clogged up with chips. This is fine because these materials are so soft and we can run cutting speeds so high that having fewer teeth isn’t a big deal.
But titanium is both gummy, in that it wants lots of space between cuts because it’ll clog up teeth, and very hard, in that it wants lots of teeth making smaller cuts.
It’s also a shit conductor. Aluminum and copper will whisk away heat. Titanium gets hot and stays that way.
So your titanium jewelry, wherever applied, that needs to be cut off of you, will need a diamond saw, which isn’t really a cutting tool, it’s an abrasive one. Meaning it works through aggressive, point blank friction.
My point is if you smash your titanium cock ring on, it’s going to not only require a very uncomfortable proximity to a power tool to remove it, it’s going to absolutely burn the fuck out of your dick.
Fascinating! However, the fire department (or whoever is your local IDR unit) will almost certainly run coolant while cutting a ring off of anyone.
Thank you for the details! I find the different properties of metals fascinating but rarely have the time to read up on it (which isn’t made easier by having to first read up on and understand a bunch of terminology and underlying concepts, which my ADHD just doesn’t have the patience for), so comments like yours giving a bit of insight are perfect.
Gold cock ring it is!
It even deforms into a more comfortable shape and doesn’t react with any liquids.
Just want to add that we’re talking about a tool that can be used to remove rings stuck on any appendage, not just cocks.
Yes! I should have clarified. Wedding rings getting stuck on old people’s fingers will be the main use case for those tools, meaning people will have to buy a lot of titanium cock rings before it’s cost effective for hospitals to have electric cutting tools as standard.
I feel like dicks would be a less likely candidate as there should be other ways to encourage the trapped member to decrease in size before resorting to cutting implements in close proximity
You know, it seems Boeing managed to become less reliable than Ilyushin.
Great. Now I feel guilty about my Father’s Day gift.
Don’t worry, it’s too big for him.
I got nothing, that was unexpected and good. A yo dad joke is rare.
It’s the gesture that counts, surely
I have been waiting at an airport since 4 hours for my flight. Bored out of my mind, your comment made me giggle in public like a teenager in love!
I hope your flight went well!
It did! :)
If you wanna cut the circulation off to your wang, just hold it tighter. That way you can just let go and not need to go to the hospital.
I’m already holding a sandwich and a drink. Are you expecting me to put one down to hold my wang?
Silicone is easy enough to remove.
Instructions unclear: Hand silicone caulked to my cock.
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“Caulked cock five times fast.”
Easy.
Coldcock
Come on. No one could do that
better than yo mama!Oh snap 😨
They make rubber rings for this for people with ED. You don’t have to cause yourself injury.
They make rubber rings for this for people
with EDwho want rock hard boners
Some people involve more than their hand in their sexual activities.
What do you mean? Like, they use both hands?
And they’ll charge you out the ass for it.
In the US anyways. (I get it’s a joke)
So it’s rubber/silicone only then or is there another metallic option? Asking for me.
Well I think as it relates to fingers, precious metals are fine. Generally soft enough that cutting isn’t an issue.
Who the hell has golden cock ring kind of cash ^and do they want to be friends?^
I love that even after millennia of human society and culture, I still regularly run into comments that make me think, “Yeah, that’s the first time anyone has ever said that.”
But definitely not the first golden cock ring
If the universe is truly infinite and as homogeneous as it appears to be, then an infinite amount of people had already said that, will say that and are saying it right now.
Infinite possibilities does not mean all possibilities. It is possible - even probable, in most cases - to have an infinite set which does not contain all possible members.
As an example, the set of all even numbers and the set of all whole numbers are both infinite sets with completely different contents. Even accounting for the fact that the set of all whole numbers contains the entire set of all even numbers, the two will still differ by a factor of 50%.
I think that Vsauce explains this concept a little better than I can as I am not a mathematician, I merely watch their content on the internet.
You get golden cock ring cash by not buying golden cock rings. I think that’s from The Millionaire Next Door.
Are you interested because of the cash, the cock ring, or both?
Yes.
Probably not depleted uranium.
I want my kids to have superpowers though.
It’s depleted. They’ll just get something like lead poisoning but much worse.
Gold and silver are safe. Lead is dangerous for completely unrelated reasons. Cupric alloys are probably safe assuming you aren’t allergic. Speaking of allergic you can definitely do nickel if you’re completely not allergic to it. Aluminum should be safe.
Under no circumstances should you try tungsten.
Under no circumstances should you try tungsten.
Plutonium and Uranium are RIGHT OUT.
You can crumble a tungsten ring with a pair of vice grips with minimal force.
Maybe I’m just remembering the time I tried to bend tungsten and needed a bandaid afterwards
Get you a girl –
Why not? Tungsten smashes easily with a hammer.
You know what else smashes easily with a hammer?
Eggs.
A duck? Very small rocks?
A flea in a box, inside of another box that you’ve mailed to yourself?
Cuprick you mean?
Not in my dialect it isn’t. Cupric is at least how it was spelled in engineering school
Sorry, that was a crude joke
cu-prick
Dude, just because the hospital can cut off softer materials doesn’t mean you want to end up at the hospital for them to do it. Just use silicone.
It’s my kink though. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a saw revenge up to 8000 rpm as it heads for your junk.
Not metallic and not sure about ‘alternative uses’ but ceramic is good for finger rings at least. It’s non-conductive, you can use a pliers or tap it hard with a hammer to shatter it if needed, and if it snags on something in a horrific accident scenario it’ll usually shatter before degloving or severing a finget
Dude, try ice and lotion first >_<
I misread that as “dry ice”
Well if trying to get the ring off doesn’t send you to the hospital, that probably will.
I don’t think you should have dry ice anywhere near that part of the body
They said “try” not “dry”.
You seriously just explained the joke? Lol Come on man
I’ve worked or volunteered for 4 different fire departments. Zero of them had any sort of diamond cutter anything that could be used for this.
I own a diamond wheel for my dremel that will eventually gum its way through titanium.
That is highly likely to slice right through the pee pee as soon as it finishes making its way through the titanium.
Fine I won’t help.
I wouldn’t call cutting the wang off helping. ;)
Depends on whose wang it is.
I’m a machinist. We have the tool you need.
But we’re on break.
I mean, I have something at my house that would probably work a bit.
Peasants
What about the claws of death, or whatever they’re called? Might be hard to get the ring only.
Lol. There’s “the jaws of life”, but those don’t cut. We have “cutters” that are equally bad ass and powerful, but they’re still made of hardened steel, so they won’t cut the titanium, and they’re shaped/work like a beetles mandibles, so even if the could cut it, it would slide down on the ring before cutting. That would do a hell of a lot of damage.
Lol. There’s “the jaws of life”
Haha! I have no idea how I got that completely backwards. I’m going to go ahead and blame it on the fact that I hadn’t finished my morning coffee yet.
That’s horrifying. At least with finger rings they can use the dental floss trick.
Who says you couldn’t do that for cock rings?
Wire cuts
Try dental floss instead.
What if that’s their kink?
Pretty bad, because the medics and firefighters didnt concent to be part of it.
Oh cmon we are just joking here, no need to be soo seerious and goody two shoes
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I’m call BS. Titanium isn’t really very strong (about the same as copper when pure, while specialist Ti alloys are about halfway between aluminium and generic steel). People use titanium when they want something metal which is pretty strong but very lightweight. As an aside, it has pretty meh ductility for a metal and would make a poor bulletproof material, so David Guetta got that wrong too
Just use a zip tie. Don’t forget to trim the excess at a nice angle.
You monster!
your username shines in a new light after reading this.
LMAO!
At the risk of sounding like I have no idea what I’m talking about (because I don’t).
Couldn’t you perform a surgery to clamp the main vein, and then drain the blood out of the cock?
That seems way worse than cutting the ring
I meant in the event that you cannot cut the ring because it’s too strong.
We will only use local anaesthesia and you’ll have to watch.
Unless that is your kink. Then you don’t get to watch.
Wait, so that is a thing that is possible to do though? I’d have thought that it would be very difficult, with the corpora cavernosa being so spongy and all…
I’m not a doctor and I have no idea what I’m talking about, but to my (very limited) understanding of the mechanics of it, it’s not that simple.
You don’t get/stay erect because of the flow to your penis, sure, that’s an important part of the process, but the key to getting/staying hard is blocking flow out of the penis. In theory, again, I have no actual idea, I’m just speculating, you could go in and shunt the vein to force it to open up all the way to drain the blood, however, you may hit an obstacle in trying to do that, like a titanium cock ring.
From the limited amount I know, it’s possible to drain the blood directly, but my understanding is that it’s not a very fun thing to try to do, because as soon as you lose the erection, it opens up vessels and more blood can flow in, so it turns into a bloodletting through your cock, and you have to essentially let the blood out faster than it can flow in, unless you cut off the arterial flow into the penis, which isn’t as simple as a single clamp. The arteries are also inside of you, so that’s also a problem. Fun times in the surgery bay? (Not really)
The whole thing is far more complex than I really understand, so I might be way off. I’m no doctor and I’m certainly not a reproductive organ specialist (or any adjacent discipline). I’m certain that someone with far more time spent in school who earns way more than I do, can correct me on every point here, so I’ll stop.
Yeah, no, sounds about right… I guess the cavernosa have to be supplied by veins anyway so yeah. Defo not a fun procedure but was just wondering anatomy-wise if it works ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m not a doctor. I was just joking. Should have been more clear
Oh no, I am aware of that. Just that it made me wonder if something like that is actually possible or not. Cause it might be…
